Tanner's Birth Story

(I know, I know. Wayyy too many pictures in this post. But my name is Stephanie and I'm a picture addict.)

The birth story! It's finally time to write. 

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, June 5 at 9am to get my membranes stripped for the THIRD time. Travis unexpectedly was able to come to the appointment and then we got an acai bowl at Genuine Fresche afterward together. I was starting to feel contractions but I did NOT want to jump the gun again, so I was downplaying them. I was only having a few each hour anyway. Travis went back to work and told me to keep him updated. I think he called around 2pm to check in and I told him I was continuing to have them but they weren't that painful or anything to worry about. He seemed to be very hopeful and I just couldn't let myself get my hopes up again. The boys were invited to go swimming at our neighbor's house so they left maybe around 2:30 or 3pm. Right at 4pm my contractions kicked it up several notches. All of a sudden, they were pretty painful and seemed to be coming regularly. I could tell I would be having the baby that night or next morning but I was determined to not overreact. I wanted to take the boys to their dive practice at 4:30pm, so I put Olive in the car and drove two houses down to grab the boys. They were still swimming in the backyard so I made my way through the side gate but had to keep stopping and breathing through contractions. My neighbor watched me walk up and asked if I was OK. I said I was fine, just in labor. Her eyes got big and she suggested I leave the boys and just go home. I protested, saying I probably wouldn't have the baby for many hours, so I may as well take them to their practice. Very nicely, she convinced me that wasn't a great idea. ;) I'm surprised I let her talk me out of it, but boy am I glad! I went home and within 10 minutes I was in too much pain to talk or walk when the contractions hit. I can't remember if I called Travis or he called me, but I remember talking to him and saying I was in pain but didn't want him to leave work. He sounded alarmed on the phone, but I again insisted I would be fine as he finished up. Casey was his last patient and he had just numbed him up to fix a broken molar. I did NOT want him to leave. He said he would come right when he was done, then called his mom to see if she could come over and watch the kids while we went to the hospital. I went to pack my bag, then Paula showed up. About 15 minutes later, Travis came in. We got the boys home then headed out! I remember feeling excited during the drive but also a little mad at myself for not going to the hospital sooner. The contractions were getting nasty and I had already decided I wanted an epidural this time, so I wasn't happy enduring ANY pain, haha. One thing I hadn't decided on though, was who I wanted to be in the delivery room. With the boys, it had just been me and Travis. With Olive, my mom was there too. This would be our first baby born in Arizona so I could have any family there, I just didn't know if it would feel too crowded or I'd feel uncomfortable having so many people there for such a personal experience. But as we started driving it just felt instinctual to call my mom and invite her. So I did and she happily grabbed her video camera and headed to the hospital, even beating us there. I'm not sure what tipped the scales, but I decided to text Marcie and Shelley too. We got to Banner Gateway maybe around 5:30ish and started the registration process. A nurse took me back to triage while Travis finished up with all the insurance questions. When she checked me I was dilated between a 5 and 6.  They were really nice nurses and could tell I was in a lot of pain so it seemed like they were hurrying to get me the epidural. (I wanted that epidural!!) They wheeled me to another room where I signed the papers and got prepped for the procedure. A middle aged, African American girl came in to do it. I felt nervous, hoping I wouldn't have a Marcie situation where they do it wrong and have to keep retrying. Luckily, she seemed to get it in the first time and I didn't get the electric shock down my legs like I did with Collin. The pain of the contractions almost immediately subsided and I was happier than a clam! Olive's birth was so traumatic, doing it natural, that being able to have this baby without pain felt like a TREAT! They had just gotten me settled and we had called my mom and Marcie to let them know they could come in when something weird happened. I felt my body suddenly go weak and limp and I couldn't hear well. It was like I was in a tunnel. My heart was racing but my eyelids were heavy and I barely had the energy to talk. I told Travis something was wrong, as I'm sure he could tell, so he walked over to the monitors and told me my blood pressure had dropped really low. Just then, my mom and Marcie walked in all smiles and happiness and I tried my best to smile and say something but it was like every ounce of energy had been sapped from my body. The nurse came in to access the situation and gave me a shot of epinephrine (I think??) in my IV. That helped for a few minutes, but then I could feel my body start to fade out again. They called the nurse anesthetist to come in and check me but I only vaguely remember her coming in. Marcie said she had a look on her face like, "So what? Don't bother me." I guess her shift had just ended. I felt so bad that my mom and Marcie were there but I couldn't talk or enjoy them. I was using every bit of effort I had to not fall asleep or pass out. I just remember laying there like a limp rag, trying to conserve my energy. What scared me the most was my heart racing. It definitely triggered my anxiety and I asked Travis for a blessing. He blessed me to have peace and comfort and that everything would be OK, but the part that I'll never forget was when he got emotional and said that this spirit was so excited to come. I remember him hugging me after the blessing and telling me again how he was impressed with the feeling that this spirit is so happy to be joining our family. I think my mama heart grew three sizes. That alone made everything worth it. The nurse said that because of the epidural, my blood vessels were constricting and my blood wasn't able to pump as effectively as before. I'm not sure what adjustments were made, but it did eventually get better. It was kind of up and down. I'd feel OK, then start to get the weak feelings again and I'd look over at the monitors to see how low it was that time. Luckily, after about an hour it never got as bad as it did the first few times and I was able to be alert and talkative. Shelley had been at Sunsplash with her kids that day so she came in a little later to join the party. I have no idea when... maybe 8pm? Having all of us sister and my mom together instantly made me miss Abbey. We just didn't feel complete without her! But inviting her would make 5 family members in the room and I didn't know if that was too many. Plus, I wondered if she'd even feel comfortable being there. Baby birthing ain't for the private or faint of heart. ;) We asked the nurse if it was OK, and she said it was fine by her, so I texted Abbey and she said she'd be right over! Yay! My mom excused herself to go for a little walk which seemed a tad strange, but I didn't think too much of it. (I found out later that the whole blood pressure thing was stressing her out and she needed to go meditate in the garden. Well at least she hid it well. I had no idea! We all laughed about the image of her laying down on a bench doing deep breathing, later.) Abbey came in with drinks for everyone and now we felt complete! Abbey took over photography duties with my camera and Marcie did too with my phone. My mom was over videocamera, of course. 

Now, we WAIT!

And wait, and wait.

It was really fun laughing and visiting with everyone, but as the hours ticked by I started to feel bad that they were waiting so long. Travis quipped how much easier his job was this time. No hysterical wife to calm down. No breathing exercises. No clawing at his neck. This was really just a spectator sport now! ;)

My nurse kept coming in to check on me, but no progress was being made. She had me stick a birthing ball between my legs to help the baby move down and I'd switch sides occasionally. I thought for sure the baby would be here by 9pm, but it was 10pm with NO progress. What.the.heck.

The nurse called the doctor to see what he wanted to do and she came back to say they were going to add the smallest amount of pitocin to my IV. I really didn't want to, but what choice did I have? When she left, Shelley piped up with some advice. She said, "You need to do kegels!" I guess she had had a similar problem with her last baby and was told by our cousin, Tiffany, who is a L&D nurse, that kegels work the magic. Well, it's a little tricky to do kegels when you're numb, you know what I'm saying? But I tried! Actually, we ALL tried, hahaha. Travis burst out laughing when after a few very quiet moments he noticed that all 4 of us girls were kind of staring off into space, concentrating. Group effort! LOL. The crazy thing was, it WAS working. I could feel it. I don't know if my epidural was wearing off or what but I was starting to feel a lot of pressure. I mean, a LOT. And how sad that this is my 4th baby and I didn't for sure know what it meant. With Collin's epidural I was the paralyzed kind of numb. And with Weston and Olive I was in the hysterical-screaming kind of pain. So this was a whole new transaction! But it made sense to me that the pressure meant he was moving down and I had dilated more. My nurse adjusted the birthing ball and was about to leave when I asked her if she would check me again. I could tell she didn't want to, probably thinking surely nothing had changed, but she did. And when she did, the strangest expression crossed her face. I knew I couldn't take it if she was about to tell me I was still at a 6, but instead she felt around some more (like she couldn't believe it herself and had to double check) and said I was at a 10! My water still hadn't broken, but it was time to push!! HOORAY!!!!! I knew all this pain/pressure had to mean something! My crew took their places around me and got ready for the show. I could feel the excitement! The nurse got comfortable at the foot of the bed and started pushing around in there.  I have no idea why, but then it happened. 

 I felt a pop and water GUSHED out of me. I mean, imagine a water balloon that you've just launched at someone's face, breaking open and splattering everywhere. Yup, that's what happened. No, gentle rush. No trickle down on the pads. That bag BURST open and smacked that nurse in the face with ALL of it's 9 month grossness. I literally GASPED out loud, completely mortified. I mean, my bodily fluids were all over this poor girls arm and FACE. Sick. (Shelley was doubled over, giggling hysterically in the background.) Bless that nurse's heart, she didn't miss a beat. Shrugged it off like it ain't no thang and kept on, keeping on. (I'm SO blaming all dat on Tanner.)

Well now things are getting down to business. She tells me we're going to start pushing on the next contraction. She was watching the monitor, but I did't have to, I could feel those contractions for sure. I pushed my heart out then stopped when she called it. She seemed pleased with the progress. At this point I'm thinking, "Why hasn't she called the doctor? I only ever push a couple of times and my babies are out." See, this is where hindsight is 20/20. I should have SAID that. Not just thought it. So here we go again with another contraction and more pushing. We have definitely crossed the threshold of pressure into pain. I think it's about here where our wet nurse realizes her mistake and calls over her little microphone thing to get the doctor. She was very communicative before this, but now she's oddly silent. I remember hearing my sisters and maybe Trav too say they can see hair. Well, guess what, I can FEEL that head!! And it doesn't feel good!!! We spent the next few contractions with the nurses hand on poor baby's head, keeping him IN, while I'm DYING over here, wanting to push him OUT. Inside I was a cursing, thrashing sailor wanting to karate kick that girl's hand out of the way. I remember thinking, "Can't SHE just deliver him?? Pleassssse????" She looked at me and asked if I wanted her to check and see where the doctor was. I was like, "Um, YES. Like, YESTERDAY!" She listens to her mike for a second and says, "Oh he's close! He's just a mile away." Like hell he's close! That's as good as being 100 miles away!! Another contraction came and it was over, folks. I didn't even push, I could feel my baby SLIPPING OUT OF ME! I started to shout, "Oh no! He's coming out! HE'S COMING OUT!!" Afraid she wasn't aware or something. It felt like a big, blubbery mess had just tumbled out of me. And the pain. was. gone. 

I could see my baby below me and all I wanted in the whole wide word was to hold him. She immediately handed him up to me and nothing, I mean NOTHING felt as good as getting that warm little body in my arms. I started bawling and cuddling him and feeling JUST SO HAPPY I could burst. I'll never forget that moment. Pure bliss. 9 months of harvesting those little arms and legs and I finally got to snuggle him!! OH!!! What can compare to that moment?! Everything was worth it. So worth it. I loved him instantly and fiercely. Every protective, loving fiber of my being wanted to cradle him and never let go. All I could do was weep in gratitude. I can still close my eyes and remember his sticky face on my cheek. I know my love for him will just grow but I can't imagine him ever understanding how much I loved him in even just those first few seconds. God is so good.

At some point, Dr. Huish finally showed up *insert eye roll*... thanks for showing up, doc. Kidding. Not his fault. BUT it would be nice if that meant I got some sort of discount. He delivered the after- birth and I didn't tear so, no stitches. Yay. Travis cut the cord and they took him away to clean him up a little more and weigh him. We took lots of pictures and passed our newly swaddled babe around. Can I just say how extremely happy I am that my mom and sisters could all be there?! I LOVED it. Like, love love loved it! It just brought so much happy energy into the room and changed the whole experience for the better. Plus, this is the most well documented baby we've ever had, haha! I am thrilled with all the pictures and video we have! I'm so lucky I got to have the most wonderful man in the world by my side and my ladies all around me! It was a party! 

So here's the stats.... Tanner was born on June SIXTH at 12:03am. If it wasn't for the nurse holding him in, he definitely would have had a June 5th birthday. But I'm glad it's June 6! (Silver lining after getting an extra stretched out va-j-j) Now we have Travis born on 5-5, Tanner born on 6-6 and our wedding anniversary on 7-7! Not to mention that when you google events on June 5th you get the fact that AIDS was discovered, Robert Kennedy was assassinated and Elizabeth Smart was abducted. Ew. But on June 6 was D- Day! Woohoo! He's our biggest baby, weighing in at 8lbs 1oz and was 20 inches long.

After everyone got a turn to hold him and love on him, they slowly started leaving. The nurse came over to untape all of my wires and cords and release me from my epidural, which felt so nice. I did that first lovely trip to the bathroom and got cleaned up a little. I tried to nurse him for the first time and he did perfect. All of my babies have thankfully been great nursers. The only weird thing I noticed was a creeping headache start up my neck and into my temples. It was even making it difficult for me to look down at my baby while I was feeding him. I mentioned it to my nurse and she seemed concerned. She didn't want to even move me until the nurse anesthetist came to check me out. In the meantime, I was STARVING. The cafeteria was closed but there was a part of it with a limited selection still open. I had eaten a cinnamon roll right before we left for the hospital around 5pm and it was now 2am. So Travis took off to hunt down a bagel and cream cheese for me. A male nurse anesthetist came in and started asking me questions. I had no idea if my answers were either confirming his suspicions or denying them. I told him it was a pain radiating up my neck and into my head. It was even spreading out to my shoulders. But when I laid down, it subsided substantially. It was really just when I sat up that it hurt. The man looked warily at me like I was going to bite him or something. It was so strange. He cautiously explained that it sounded like a spinal headache but it was OK to move me. So they got me in a wheelchair and pushed me down the hall to the room I'd be staying in. The halls were dark and quiet but as we went through them the lullabye song started playing softly through the loudspeakers. My nurse explained it was for me. They always play that song when a new mom is being transferred to her room as a kind of congratulations. I tried to smile and appreciate it but my head was THROBBING. I couldn't even hold it up on my own. I remember having my hands on either side of my head, under my jaw to hold it up and stabilize it. I tried to just close my eyes and keep as still as possible, enduring the pain until I could lay down again. The nurse anesthetist met us in our new room to explain a little more. He said that they were going to try and treat my headache with caffeine, fluids and pain medication for the first 24 hours to see if they could get it to go away. If it didn't go away... he stammered and looked away uncomfortably... they'd have to do a more invasive procedure that's much like another epidural and they didn't want to have to do that. His whole demeanor was the picture of trepidation and fear. I couldn't believe he wouldn't even NAME this so called invasive procedure. Like it was Voldemort or something. Then he was gone. At least the person who took his place was the NICEST nurse I've ever had. Her name was Kathy and she was like a Grandmotherly June Cleaver with the most genuine perma-smile. She was so concerned about me and did everything she could to make me comfortable. I was SO sad I only got to have her for a few hours before the next shift change at 5am. But lucky for me, I had a steady stream of fabulous nurses my entire stay. Truly, I couldn't have asked for better care. I wish I had written down all their names. I do remember there was another Kathy in there, but their assistants were also so kind and accommodating. We got a couple hours of sleep before the shift change and more vitals needed to be taken. Now it was Tuesday morning and Travis needed to go home to get the kids and farm them out. Aubrey had spent the night with them. My mom had Olive for the morning and the boys went to kids camp. Abbey had them all for the afternoon. Having Travis gone for even a few hours was awful. I was in so much pain. They were pumping me with so many fluids through my IV that I had to go to the bathroom a lot and every trip to the bathroom was excruciating. I had to drag my IV pole with me and deal with all the mess of just having had a baby. I remember clutching my head, futilely trying to make my hands hold it up and letting go only to grab the squirt bottle or wipe. When Travis was there he would have to get my toilet paper for me because I physically couldn't even turn around to get it, the pain was too great. It literally immobilized me. It was ALL I could do to get back to my bed and collapse in tears. The pain of just doing that was so intense I would shake and wanted to die. And even though laying down brought so much relief, the pain still wasn't gone. My body was so exhausted from the effort of just turning over in bed or trying to nurse or eat, I felt like I was barely staying sane. I couldn't get Tanner to latch while I was laying down so I would sit up as much as I dared so I could nurse him. Agony. It was so exhausting. I tried to eat lying down too which was a mess. The worst of the worst though was not being able to take care of my baby!!! I couldn't even lift myself up enough to take him out of the bassinet. I just wanted to hold him, but had to stare at him through the little plastic walls of his bed. It was awful like I can't describe.

 I was so sad and felt so alone. I didn't want my mom to worry about me, but I knew I needed prayers so I texted my sisters to tell them what was going on. I don't know what time it was, but Travis had come back then had to leave again and I was alone. I heard a noise by my door and tried to turn enough to see who it was. I saw Marcie's head poke in and her eyes dart around. I didn't know what was going on, but just the SIGHT of her made me sooo happy I immediately got tears in my eyes. I guess she had her kids with her so she couldn't stay but she had brought me a soda and cookies from Sodalicious. The nurses had been trying to get me to drink as much caffeine as possible but all they had was Coke (yuck) so Marcie had brought me yummy caffeine. I know it sounds pathetic and desperate but her 5 minute visit was heaven sent. I just needed to cry and see my sister for a moment, to get through afternoon. I was beyond grateful for her coming. Not an easy thing with a two year old and baby. 

She also brought flowers which were so nice to have in my barren hospital room. I had been laying there, just staring at this stain on the ceiling and now I had something pretty to look at instead. 

  Travis brought the boys to meet their brother. Ohhh were they excited to see him! These kids have been on pins and needles waiting for their newest sibling. 

Later that afternoon/evening, the visitors started coming! My dad was so sweet and brought me a blizzard. I don't get much time with my dad so having him come was a special treat. We had a good conversation before Wayne joined us too.

I like this picture. Almost all of the important men in my life in one place. I'm so lucky.

After they left, my mom came for a visit. She had heard about my spinal headache from Shelley and was hurt I didn't tell her myself. I felt terrible. I had hoped I'd get the procedure done to fix it and be all better before she knew about it. I just wanted to spare her more worry and anxiety, but probably caused more harm than good in the process. Big backfire.

Jefferson, Marcie and Leah came too. I felt like such a slug, laying in bed, unable to sit up or be very good company. Everyone's visit's meant the world though. I was so miserable and any distraction was so welcome. 

At some point that evening, a different nurse anesthetist came in to check on me. He explained that the procedure to fix the spinal headache is called a blood patch. They basically do another epidural, but this time, they inject my own blood into my spine to clot the hole in my spinal cord. BUT instead of giving it to me that day, (which was 24 hours since I had gotten my epidural) they wanted to wait until the next morning because then it would have been 24 hours since they started me on this other medication. BAHHHHHH!!!!! I couldn't believe my ears. I felt like any strength I had left inside of me just crumpled. Again, I know I sound so pathetic, but you just don't understand this pain. It was EXCRUCIATING. The thought of going another night like this was almost more than I could bear. Any movement was terrible. I would shake and get tears in my eyes just from the effort of adjusting in my bed. My nurses were so sympathetic. They didn't seem to understand why they weren't doing the blood patch. Travis stayed the night with me again. Everything was so different that it should have been. He should have been home with the kids. I should have been getting ready to be released! Shelley had my kids spend the night at her house multiple times and my mom and Marcie also helped. I can't count how many times Shelley has saved me. What would I have done without my family??! Leah was also so attentive. She would text me multiple times a day to see what she could do to help. It is the worst not being able to take care of yourself or your family, but it also makes you feel so loved and grateful for the people who step in and carry you. Somehow we made it through the night and next morning. Then we FINALLY got a nurse anesthetist with some common sense! I'll never forget her. She walked in and looked at me with confidence and said, "Well, let's get you that blood patch!" She said she was trying to grab the anesthesiologist and when she could, they would both come in to do it. About an hour later they both walked in and got down to business. While they were prepping for the procedure she said something about wishing they could have done it sooner, but there wasn't any documentation... or something like that. I asked her what she meant and she said that when they do an epidural they almost always know when they've nicked the spinal membranes because fluid will leak out! So they document it and know that that person will probably have a spinal headache. Well, my genius nurse DIDN'T do that. Ugh!!! So now it all made sense. They just thought I was being a big baby and making it all up. That's why they pushed the blood patch off another day! To think... not only did this lady mess up (I can forgive that-everyone makes mistakes) but the least she could have done was document it so people BELIEVED me later when I described my symptoms. Soooo frustrating. At any rate, they helped me sit up and bend over like I was getting an epidural again. That alone, was beyond painful. I was exhausted on every front... shaking and mentally just trying to get through one second at a time. Then they told me I needed to bend my head down. I remember trying. Just mentally willing my head to bend forward but I physically couldn't. The pain would not let me. I felt myself break down and start crying as the intense agony shot through my neck and head. I had been a little apprehensive getting my epidural, hoping everything would go OK... being nervous about the needle going in my spine. This time, I could not WAIT for that needle. I just wanted them to start. The doctor and nurse were very confident and I felt like I was in good hands this time. The nurse drew blood from my arm and the doctor injected it into my spine. They said that if it was a true spinal headache, I should feel immediate relief. A small part of me was TERRIFIED this wouldn't work. I waited for just a second and the doctor told me to lift my head. As I did, the pain was gone. GONE. GOOOOOONNNNEEEE. OK, I'm crying just remembering this moment. I cannot TELL you how grateful I was. Honestly, words will NEVER do it justice. I just WEPT in gratitude. To be in such excruciating, debilitating torture and then the next second, to have it relieved?? I will never be able to explain how that felt. I couldn't even believe it. I just sat there and cried. I think I told the doctor that I wanted to kiss his face. I felt like I had just been given my life back!! Maybe to give this experience some perspective I should explain what a spinal headache is. (A grievously understated term for the condition, I might add.) When placing the needle for the epidural, it punctured the dura matter which covers the spinal cord, allowing spinal fluid to leak out. I had thought my pain was created from loose fluid leaking where it shouldn't be. The pain is in fact a result of not enough fluid surrounding the brain. Meaning, my brain wasn't adequately being protected by spinal fluid and was pushing against my skull. Just that image makes me cringe. I also felt validated when talking to a friend later about this who also suffered a spinal headache with one of her kids. She said she was in so much pain she literally thought she was dying and called her mom to say goodbye! Then, my cousin, who also had a spinal headache, said that when they asked her to rate her pain on a scale of 1-10 she said it was a 9, because getting mauled by a bear would probably hurt worse. Otherwise, she would have said 10.

If I haven't sufficiently scared you out of a future epidural I haven't done this experience justice. I so badly wish I had never gotten that epidural. Not worth it. Not worth it by a LONG shot. 

After I got the blood patch I was told to lay flat on my back for a few hours. They told me not to sneeze, cough or even go to the bathroom. The worry is that any exertion of effort could un-lodge the clot and the headache will come back. H no. I laid as still as a corpse. Another silver lining to Tanner being born at 12:03am was that it qualified me to stay at the hospital an extra day. If he had even been born at 11:55pm, I would have been expected to leave on Wednesday. As it was, I got to stay until Thursday, no questions asked. I so needed that extra day. When I felt like I had laid still long enough, I gingerly got up to see my precious babe. I hadn't even gotten to take any pictures of him yet!

Olive finally got to come and see her little brother! Shelley even did her hair all cute for me. David and Abbey came too.

Don't make fun of me, but I had to take a picture of my hospital food. Getting to order food for every meal, having it brought on a platter and then taken away, with no dishes to do?? Sign me up. I way overate. 

Thursday morning dawned and I was ready to go home. Time to get back to life. I missed being a mom. My friend's funeral was at 11am and I was hoping I could make it to that. The discharge paperwork always takes forever but I was finally wheeled out of there around 10:45am. I had strict instructions to still take it easy though because of the blood clot. The nurse said I couldn't lift anything heavier than my baby. 

I die!! This picture just kills me with it's cuteness!! And lucky baby, #4, gets himself a brand new carseat. :)

Travis very carefully helped me into the car and drove slowly all the way home. I had to remark on the warm weather! We had driven the boys home in blizzards. The roads scared me half to death. Olive had returned home in New Mexico. This was our first baby we got to take home to our own turf. It felt good. The trauma wasn't over, but I didn't know that yet. I was just so grateful to be taking our sweet little nugget HOME.