June

May 31 was a HORRIBLE day. My friend, Jenna Taylor, was killed in a cycling accident just three miles from where we live. Strangely, I didn't hear about it the day it happened. The day after, I was talking to my friend, Rachel, who lives in Texas, went to high school with Jenna and she mentioned the accident, knowing I lived nearby. (We hadn't made the connection that we both knew her, before this.) I said that I hadn't heard about an accident and walked over to my computer to look it up. As the news article was coming up on my screen, I saw her picture, then Rachel said her name. To this day, I don't know if I've had a more "twilight" experience than that. My brain was trying to compute what it was seeing, while I fought off reality. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be. I remember stammering, "Wait, NO! I KNOW HER!! She's my friend!!" I was instantly hysterical. Shaking, crying, saying, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh" I fell to the floor, just completely losing it. I told Rachel I would call her back. I thought about calling Travis but knew I was in no state to talk. I just sobbed and sobbed on my floor for who knows how long. I honestly wondered if it would put me into labor. Here's the thing, it's not like we were even close friends! We were just friends! But it was incomprehensible to me that she had died. She had JUST stood on my porch last week talking to me! I had taken her son with us to Krazy Air! Her son, Van, and my son, Weston had met at preschool two years ago and became great friends. Then, Jenna and I also had a connection because we went to the same Bootcamp. She was in my stake, but that didn't really bring our lives together so much as the fact that our kids loved each other. She had been keeping in touch with me, wanting to help when I had this baby. I had a text message on my phone from her from the day before she was killed, asking again if the baby had come! She had three little kids the very same ages as my kids! It hit so close to home. I was just DEVASTATED. Jenna was witty, always smiling and so fun to be around. To think that her children just lost their mother is so so painful. I still can't believe it. Three months later and it's just as raw and awful as the day it happened. The cycling community put on a memorial a couple of days later. It was early in the morning, so I took Collin with me since he was the only one awake. Seeing all the people who came was very touching.  But I'll also never forget seeing her daughter there either. She is the same age as Olive and a woman... maybe an aunt.. was holding her. The look on that little girl's face pierced my heart.  The sadness... it's indescribable. I absolutely ACHE for Van, Ivy and Mac. The "angel bike" is still chained to that stop light on Ray and Val Vista Rds. This experience has made me a different kind of driver. I'm much more aware of the bike lanes and cross walks as I approach an intersection to turn right. These sorts of experiences make you reevaluate your own mortality. I won't go into much more of what this taught me, because it's personal, but her death definitely changed the way I think about many things. And even though I only knew her for a couple of years, her life made an impact on me I'll never forget. 

To keep my sanity this summer I signed the boys up for a camp through the city.  It was M-F from 8-12. The boys LOVED Kidz Kamp. Way more fun than hanging out at home. They play games, make crafts, climb the rock wall and do all sorts of fun activities. Every Friday you could dress up like the theme for the week. I don't even remember what this theme was, but Collin won. How 'bout that giraffe? ;)

Ever since Olive could hold a spoon, this is how she has grasped it. It's also how she holds a pencil. I correct her ALL THE TIME. It hasn't changed though. It's hard to correct someone who's so cute. 

She was also into a storytelling phase. She had been sick, so she had the lisp thing going on that is so stinkin' cute! 

I made these biscuit cinnamon rolls for our Sunday brunch and they were AH-mazzzzing!!!! You don't have to let them rise so I didn't think they would be as good but I liked them better than your regular, yeast cinnamon roll! Here's the recipe. It. is. BOMB.

https://www.melskitchencafe.com/buttermilk-biscuit-cinnamon-rolls/

Grandpa's health had been rapidly declining and that evening we were invited to see him for what might be the last time. A lot of us cousins were there and it was a very solemn, sweet evening together surrounding our valiant Grandpa. We sang hymns and shared memories. Seeing my mom walk in and go to him was very emotional. I have been fortunate to grow up with a steadfast, loving Grandfather. He was honest, hardworking, God-loving and frugal. Well, that last adjective is an understatement. ;) He always told us at family gatherings to "waste not, want not" and "take all you want but eat all you take". He lived through the Depression and knew the harsh realities of not having enough. He looooved talking to people! And making family history connections. I remember him always out in the yard, tending his fruit trees and teaching us grandkids how to stretch and do exercises in the living room. He was a kind, generous man and I'm grateful for his legacy. 

The next day was when I went into labor with Tanner. I found out Grandpa passed away while I was still in the hospital. One spirit leaving this earth and another coming.

Now I'll pick up from where I left off on my post about Tanner's birth. So I was discharged from the hospital on Thursday morning and really wanted to go to Jenna's funeral. It was being held at our church building, which is just across the street from our house, at 11am. We left the hospital at 10:45am. Travis didn't think I should go, but when I have my mind set on something, I'm pretty much going to do it. ;) He stayed in the car while I went inside our house to change, then drove me to the door of the church. I feebly walked in and sat on my pillow on a chair in the very back. The chapel was filled to the back of the last cultural hall. Luckily, I made it just as it was starting. It was a BEAUTIFUL funeral. I don't know what her connection was, but the choir, Cinematic Pop performed a special musical number. They sang Hallelujah and had an orchestra there too. You HAVE to listen to it... it's on YouTube here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3GCs1uoaMY

The same girl in this recording is the one who sang it at the funeral. 

It was chillingly beautiful. 

I could feel myself start to lose it. But I knew I couldn't sob and risk losing my blood patch. It took everything I had to keep it together. Her mom, brother, sister and husband all spoke. Her husband's talk, in particular, was heart wrenching. He loved her so much. He shared a poem he had written about her that was the sweetest thing. I know everyone there was in pain with him. It was such a heavy, heavy funeral. I felt the weight of their family's sorrow like a lead blanket. I text Travis when it was over and he walked over to help me get home. 

I don't even remember where the kids were that day, but I insisted they all come home to sleep in their own beds that night. We needed to get back to normal. Travis was going to go back to work in the morning (Friday) and I guess Weston had been sick. I felt bad having anyone else take care of my sick kids. 

They were so excited to have Tanner home!

It was a really rough night with Tanner. I was up and down a lot with him trying to feed him and keep him from crying. Nothing seemed to calm him down. Travis left for work in the morning and I remember I had just fallen back asleep when I heard Weston scream at the top of his lungs. I jolted out of bed, reflexively, and felt the pain shoot through my neck again. I had popped my blood patch. I ran into the bathroom and Weston had thrown up everywhere and was crying. I was so tired and now I was back in horrible pain. Tanner started crying while I was cleaning it up. I tried to calm Weston down and make sure he was OK, then hurried back to Tanner. I collapsed on my bed and broke down crying. How was I supposed to do this?! My spinal headache was back, I was beyond exhausted and had a sick child and crying newborn plus two other kids. I never do this, but I knew I needed help. I was desperate. I text my mom what had happened and begged her to come over. Thankfully, she saw my text pretty soon and responded immediately that she'd be right over. She came in with a bag full of remedies and treatments for Weston, scooped up Tanner and took care of my kids all day while I laid in bed. I was SO GRATEFUL. I have no idea how I would have survived that day without her. Even laying down, I was miserable. If it's possible, I felt like my headache was worse than before. I didn't want to bother Travis, but I finally messaged him in the afternoon to tell him what was going on. He had already taken off so much work that I hadn't wanted to mess up his schedule that day. He contacted my dad to see if he could come help give me a blessing. My dad had a big disaster at work that day, but still came as soon as he could. He even picked up dinner on his way over. He and Travis gave me the sweetest blessing. I felt so broken. At my lowest of lows. And at the same time I felt so loved and taken care of. Travis's empathy was palpable. Not that I've ever had to wonder, but if I didn't know he loved me before this, I surely knew it now. And knowing how busy my dad always is, just having him in my house felt like the biggest gift. I wasn't sure what to do at this point, but was told that my cousin, Emily, had been in my same situation. I was able to call and talk to her and she recommended I go back to the hospital to get another blood patch. So Travis loaded me up in my mom's new suburban since her second row has a bench I could lay down on. There was absolutely NO way I would have been able to get there sitting up. I physically couldn't do it. He drove us slowly back to Banner Gateway and went into the ER to sign me in. I stayed laying down in the car, hoping I wouldn't have to go in until they were ready to admit me. Nope. They needed me to sign papers or something. So Travis brought a wheelchair out to bring me in. That.was.AWFUL. Just sitting upright in that chair was pure, unadulterated torture. I mean it. TORTURE. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. And it was only a few minutes. There was an extra wide chair in the waiting room that I tried to lay down on. Again, I was shaking and had tears rolling down my cheeks just from the effort of getting there. All I could think about were the nasty germs but I didn't have a choice. I don't think we had to wait too long.... maybe an hour, before we were taken back. There was no way I was getting back on the death wheelchair. So I just walked. Very slowly and completely bent over, trying to keep my head as low to the ground as possible. I'm sure the nurse thought I was crazy. I had nothing to look at but my feet as we inched down the hall and I couldn't help but notice how skinny they were!! LOL. My body was anything but skinny but I had had such swollen feet for months that noticing my feet for the first time since I had had Tanner was a happy moment! I had to laugh at my vanity, but also decided that finding ANYTHING to be happy about in that moment, was a good thing. 

Once in bed, I pulled out my phone to snap a selfie of our romantic, Friday night date. 

The ER.  

We explained everything again to the nurse, but he said they were going to give me a "migraine cocktail" first. Ugh. It's not a migraine!!! It's a spinal headache! But they had to do this first apparently, to make sure. He was a nice guy and explained what each drug was before he injected it into my IV. With each chemical addition, I could feel myself start to get loopier and loopier. I hated the feeling. I wished I had refused the injections. I started to get anxious and then sleepy. The doctor came in and we went through the whole explanation again. Thank the heavens, this doctor seemed happy to get the anesthesiologist! A while later, a nurse anesthetist and anesthesiologist came in to give me another blood patch. The process was quite a bit more difficult this time. They had a really hard time drawing my blood. And then when they tried to inject it into my spine, I would get a horrific amount of pressure/pain in my left thigh. Like, it felt as though my leg was going to explode. I told them so, trying my best to not freak out. So he stopped and waited for a minute then tried again, telling me to stop them when I had taken as much pain as I could handle. So the pressure started again and I did my best to wait as long as possible before making them stop. The feeling was super painful and scary. They weren't able to get as much blood in, but they said it should be enough. Now, I had to lay down and wait for an hour before being allowed to leave. I was TERRIFIED of popping this second blood patch. I don't even know how to describe how bad my fear was. I couldn't go through this again! Travis was around for the weekend to take care of me. Then, the next week my family all pitched in again to help take care of my kids. Weston was still sick, so he stayed home. We finally figured out by their symptoms, that they were passing the flu around! They would get really high fevers that lasted 5-7 days and have fevers and chills and body aches. It scared me soooo bad that Tanner or I would get it! When I had the flu last year I thought I was going to die! Poor Weston basically camped out on the couch and I kept Tanner quarantined in our room. There was NO WAY I was going to risk any extra movement that might pop the blood patch so I stayed in bed with Tanner all week. Literally. I did nothing but nurse and lay down. Our ward brought in meals and Travis was Super Dad. He did all the errands, laundry, cleaning and driving kids around. That man is amazing.

 At the beginning of the week I realized that Tanner should have had his one week appointment with the pediatrician. I knew I couldn't drive, so I called my mom to see if she could take us. When she got to my house she convinced me to stay home and let her take Tanner. It happened to be at a time that Travis could get away from work for a bit so he met them at the doctor's office. Well, guess what they found out?! Dr. Milius asked where I was so they told him about my spinal headache. He asked who had given me my epidural. Travis described the lady and Dr. Milius said I was his THIRD mom in just a few weeks to have gotten a spinal headache from the same nurse anesthetist!! Bah!! I couldn't believe it! He said that he would report it to the hospital. Can you imagine? Three people! And that was just from his practice! Who knows how many women she has affected! It made me angry. Like I said, everyone makes mistakes, but if you're making THAT many mistakes, you need a different job.

If I'm looking for silver linings in this whole ordeal, I'd say that my week alone with my baby was a huge one. I am not one to sit still. It's very hard for me to just relax with my kids. I'm always thinking about my never-ending to-do list and all the things I should be getting done. But with the terror of having that spinal headache come back looming over my head, I was very compliant with my bed rest instructions. Which meant lots of snuggle time with my nugget. Not being able to hold him those first few days in the hospital also gave me a new appreciation for being able to care for him myself. I felt so incredibly grateful to be home in my own bed, with my sweet baby by my side. 

This really isn't a pretty picture of me, but the idea of it is sweet. I'm truly not posing, I was actually asleep. 

So.

Very.

Tired.

My arm was pretty bruised that first week from all the IV's and needles I was stuck with. 

Word of the wise. If you're going to have a baby in the summer, get rid of Instagram. It seemed that everyone I knew was on constant fun vacations and adventures. And I was in my robe. Hoping to get a shower that day. Of course having my baby was wonderful and I was grateful, but Hawaii and the California beaches seemed to be taunting me. ;) 

My grandpa's funeral was at the end of that week I spent in bed. The viewing was at their stake center that Friday night. We went in two cars, so that Travis could take the kids home and I could stay til the end for the family prayer. I didn't even make it that long though. I think I tweaked something in my back when I was getting out of the car because my pain just kept increasing all night. I stayed sitting but after about an hour, I felt shaky and had a pretty bad headache. It scared me, so we just all went home. I hated missing the prayer and closing of the casket. I guess I'll celebrate the fact that at least I got to be there. These cute second cousins had so much fun running around together!

Travis wanted to give me some better sleep at night, so those first two weekends, he would take Tanner in the living room and just bring him to me when he needed to nurse. Have I mentioned how absolutely fantastic my husband is? 

He had the swing, Sleep 'n Play and Dock a Tot all lined up. 

I call it the Tanner Trifecta of Sleep.

Saturday morning the cemetery memorial was at 8am and I accidentally set my alarm for 6:30pm instead of am. :( So we missed it! I was SO SAD! I heard it was really special with the military taps being played. We drove up at the end and made it for pictures.

Grandkids

Great grandkids

Lindbloms

Well, at least we got Weston's head in.

My grandma has only one sibling, our Uncle Michael, and we haven't seen him in over ten years. He is an actor and lives in California. It was good to see him again and introduce him to the latest Olive Evans. :) 

His mother is was the original Olive Evans.

Leah was in charge of the table decorations and she did a phenomenal job. I especially loved how she printed out some of his famous sayings like "It's too good to be true".

The funeral went long, but it was nice to hear all the stories and memories that my aunts and uncles shared. I thought my mom did an especially nice job with her talk. 

Tanner was awesome during it and I loved being able to go up and sing with all my cousins on the stand for the special musical number.

I didn't feel sad at all during the program. Just very grateful for the life my grandfather led. He was truly an exemplary man.

Now I must hang my head and admit that I was a bit of a delinquent and got a large, styrofoam cup full of a certain caffeinated beverage between the cemetery and funeral.
Medicinal purposes, of course.
But even still, not a very classy thing to tote into the chapel.
I tried my best to conceal it in my diaper bag then stow it by my feet under the pew in front of us. Well, APPARENTLY, while I was distracted listening to the talks, my sister in law sitting next to me saw a chubby little arm shoot out from under our pew and grab hold of my drink, slowly dragging it backwards. Alarmed, she snatched the cup just in time, before it disappeared into the salivating mouth of my cousin's four year old son. We were dying laughing when she told us about it later! I guess this particular cousin has a penchant for her swigs and her kids know the good stuff when they see it! ;) 

Christopher and Jael came for the funeral and it was so fun to spend time with them! It was also our first time meeting baby Christopher! He is such a HAPPY kid. And has a core of steel. Just look at the airplane that boy is holding. It's his favorite position. 

Take a gander at what's happening in the background of this photo.... sweet Uncle Jefferson reading to the nieces. And Weston getting his cuddle on, as best he can, lol.

Oh, just me and my FOUR kids. Wherever I am, they are too. Especially, if I'm holding Tanner. (Which is always.) If you want to feel popular (or mauled) just grab yourself a newborn. 

{Father's Day!}

These kids love their dad. He is a "hands on" Dad and is with me in every step of parenting. When I was in my third trimester and couldn't move after 4pm, he stepped in doing bath and bed time. And its stuck. He is Olive's official bath giver. He takes kids to sports practices, picks up Olive at friends houses, runs errands for me, helps around the house, changes diapers and basically puts all of our needs first.  And does EVERYTHING happily and willingly. He is nothing short of amazing. I couldn't do this mom thing without him. I love him beyond anything I could adequately express. I got him a framed buffalo picture for his office to hang next to his diploma. 

I thought it was cute. 

I'm sure he did too. ;)

We crepes with homemade pudding for our special lunch, spent a little time at the Evans', visiting, then had dinner at my parents house. I think this was my grandma's first time holding Tanner. He looks pretty comfy in her arms. :)

I know that my dad loves all things rice, shortbread and French pastry. I decided making shortbread cookies was the way to go for his gift. 

And how about this card?! Hahaha!

Baby Christopher, y'all!! Isn't he the cutest?!

As a family, our "gift" to my dad was a night playing kickball. Growing up, we all have fond memories of him organizing a softball game for FHE. We thought kickball might be easier with the kids. So the next evening we all met in Cardon park for a game. I was of course the designated cheerleader. It was hot and poor Landon was not a happy baby on the sidelines but everyone had a good time. We even got my mom to put down her video camera for a couple of innings and join in on the fun! For sure the BEST part was when Weston was running and someone would throw a ball at him to tag him out. Imagine skinny, little, sweet Weston running as fast as he could, rounding second base, then a big uncle chucking the kickball as hard as he could at his legs. Almost in slow motion,  but so fast you couldn't blink, the ball would hit the back of his knees. His legs would buckle, knees hitting the ground, and in a domino effect, his body would come crashing down into the grass, his head being the last to hit. Hard. 

It sounds cruel but it was the flippin' FUNNIEST thing to watch, ever. I laughed TEARS. Everyone was falling over themselves laughing their heads off.  This happened three separate times. And only to him! Luckily, Weston is tough and a good sport and never cried or got hurt. 

Please watch this. 

Serious whip lash going on! 

No Olives were harmed in the making of this video.

What else would be appropriate but Blizzards afterward?!

Well, maybe a trip to McDonalds to get ice cream cones, then driving around light poles crying that the car has gone crazy. ;)

This here is a water baby! He loves his baths. Even if he's cranky and crying beforehand, he calms right down when he hits the water. 

MMMM!! Kissing on nakey baby bellies! It's my favorite part of every day.

Uncle Christopher started writing pen pal letters with the kids this summer. His first letter to Collin ended with saying he was leaving to see Wonder Woman with his friends and that Wonder Woman was cute. *insert mother eye roll*

Well, besides the fact that Collin's letter back was so adorable (kweshon=question) lol, notice what he says near the end about Wonder Woman. Yeah, nice influence, Christopher! ;) We had a talk afterward about what cute, pretty and hot means. 

The last two sentences might be my favorite, haha. Kids are the best. 

The Tucson temple open house was going on in June and I had reserved a Saturday time for our family, hoping it would work out. Well, given the rough start I had, I just didn't feel up to it. Super bummed about missing it. But remember that awesome Dad these kids have? Yeah, he took them. Getting this picture text message absolutely made my day. My family. In front of the temple. Sweetest feelings. 

Baby snuggles on my chest. 

Lots and lots of these going around.

The hardest part about life with Tanner after my spinal headache was not the lack of sleep, surprisingly. Although that is never easy. 

It was the anxiety. 

I guess it might have been classified as postpartum anxiety. I definitely struggle with anxiety regularly, but this was so different. It was awful. Every waking moment was filled with all consuming worry and stress. I was just sure he was going to die. Nighttime was the worst. SIDS loomed over me like a suffocating blanket. I couldn't sleep. I would listen to him breath and if I couldn't hear him, I'd grab my cell phone to shine light on him and check to see if his chest was rising and falling. I would do this all night long. During the day, I didn't really go many places but anytime I did, I would constantly worry that I would get distracted and leave him in the car. Even after we were home and he was out of the car, it would take hours for me to stop reminding myself that I had taken him out of the car and he was safe. I felt like for weeks I would constantly do a count off of all my kids in my head. I'd mentally go through each child in my head and where they were... Collin, Weston, Olive, Tanner. Check, check, check, check. I could never count how many times I'd do this each day. CONSTANTLY. It was exhausting. I felt like I was always on the precipice of tragedy. I was so scared he would get sick. Especially at the beginning when all the kids were passing the flu around. The fear sat on my chest and was heavy heavy heavy. I did NOT like him leaving my sight. A couple of times, Travis took him to his parents house without me and the stress almost killed me. I had to work SO hard at mentally telling myself that he was fine. One night, right before bed I was on Facebook and read an article about a baby in the valley who was born healthy at the beginning of July and died a week later after being kissed by someone with a cold sore. The herpes virus killed the baby even though she was taken to the hospital and received all the intervention possible. Reading that story BROKE me. I turned off the lights and tried to sob quietly so Travis didn't know. Of course he heard and tried to console me, but it was no use. I cried myself to sleep, completely devastated. I felt helpless and terrified and beside myself with deep fear. Just thinking back on those months makes me shudder. Now that I'm writing this, he is 4 months old and it is much better. I've definitely relaxed a lot. Thank HEAVENS. I have so much sympathy for anyone dealing with that much anxiety on a regular basis. It is real and debilitating and so so scary. 

The doctor we bought the practice from was finally retiring the end of June. He had only been working one day a week, but this was still a big deal.  We're completely on our own now! We talked over throwing a big retirement party but ended up going small. Very small, actually. Just lunch at Cheesecake Factory with the staff. They all brought him gifts and a book full of letters from patients. He was really such a nice man who cared very much about his patients. 

Collin and Weston especially love this guy. Always fighting over who gets to hold him. They are both glued to my side when I'm feeding him, just wanting to stroke his foot or something. I dare say he is loved.

For my grandma's birthday, us girl cousins took her out to Cheesecake Factory. Yes, I had had it the day before but I wasn't complaining! Gimme all the orange chicken and ranch. :)

Marcie, Natalie, Abigail, Sarah were the only ones in town, but having a smaller group was kind of nice. Our moms are sisters so it's always interesting to talk about them and how they are different or similar... how they raised us and any funny stories.  And also to hear THEIR mom's (Grandma Ann's) perspective. We always said Abigail should have been my mom's daughter because she's a riot. We went back to Grandma's house afterward to visit and laugh some more. I'm so lucky to be a part of this group. Happy birthday, Grandma Ann!! We love you!

Lest we forget the lady who didn't know how to take a picture with a smart phone... She seriously acted like we had handed her a space instrument. Best quote of the night was from Grandma when she quietly muttered to us, "Even I know how to use an I-phone." Hehehe. :)