Joshua's Funeral

Joshua passed away on a Tuesday night. I spent most of the next day at the Neus' house planning the viewing and funeral. Then on Thursday, Rachel came to visit. Like I have already said, I wondered if I could really enjoy her visit with so much sadness going on, but it turned out to be just what I needed. However that first night that she was here I got a text from Carrie asking me if I would write Joshuas obituary. My world sort of stood still for a moment. I almost didn't think I had read it right. Me, write the obituary?? I was stunned. My first thought was, no way. I just can't. That's too hard. Too much to ask. As I started to process the request, I knew I couldn't say no. She had just lost her child. How could I tell her that writing an obituary was too hard to do? I told myself that Heavenly Father would help me. He would really be the one writing it. This all weighed on me through the weekend until Rachel left. Monday morning, Olive was invited to play at a friends house and Tanner had the most amazing day where he literally slept at least 6 hours. Not at all normal for him, but I knew it was a direct blessing. I couldn't have done it without that alone time. I spent ALL day on it. I read articles about how to write an obituary. I prayed. I read sample obituaries. I read what NOT to put in an obituary. What TO put in one. I called Carrie to ask her questions about Joshua. I cried and I cried and I cried. All day. I felt so, so heavy with this task. But I did it. And I hoped it was OK. That it was good enough for this little fighter that never reached his 5th birthday. 

Joshua Reddin Neus, age 4, passed away on August 8, 2017. He battled Acute Myeloid Leukemia for a year before his loving Heavenly Father saw fit to bring him home. He is survived by devoted parents, Brendon and Carrie (Evans) and four siblings, Sawyer (14), Abigail (10), Matthew (8) and Sesilie (6). He also leaves behind a large, close- knit, extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who cheered him on every step of the way. He was preceded in death by his uncle, Brian Thomas Neus.

Joshua, affectionately known as Joshy, was born on October 29, 2012 in Mesa, Arizona. Being the fifth child, he held his own with his fiery red hair and a strong-willed personality. He was “all boy” and loved being outside, getting dirty and playing with cars and trains. He was always up for milk with “yummy stuff”, a trip to Grandma’s house or watching his favorite cartoons and Minions. He was a force. Of silliness, of energy, of love and determination. He was stubborn! However, this latter personality trait served him well as he underwent countless treatments and procedures, including a bone marrow transplant, in the fight against his cancer. His family never wavered in their faith as they fought alongside him. As his signature red hair fell, so did their tears, but hope and courage truly never faltered. His doctors and nurses enjoyed visiting his room, commenting on his cheerful personality that masked any sickness. His family will always smile remembering his favorite game in the hospital- hide and seek. How he would giggle, feeling well hidden, but with his tell-tale IV pole always giving him away. The family is grateful to the Make a Wish foundation, which provided them with a week together at Disney World, where Joshy laughed and loved all the rollercoasters! They also want to thank all the doctors and nurses at Phoenix Children’s Hospital for the genuine love and care they provided.

Joshua passed away at home in his well-worn “spot” on the couch with a sister holding him and family close by. He was a mama’s boy and she loved him fiercely, tirelessly serving him and being his biggest advocate. Though his life was short his circle of influence was wide. His family aches from the physical loss of their cherished child, but knows they will be together again because of a loving Savior, even Jesus Christ. 
Donations to assist in funeral expenses are being accepted online through the YouCaring website:https://www.youcaring.com/carrie-and-brendan-neus-son-joshua-632224

All who wish to pay their respects are invited to a visitation on Friday, August 18, 2017, from 6-8 PM, at Bunker’s Garden Chapel, 33 N. Centennial Way, Mesa, Arizona. Funeral services will be Saturday, August 19, 2017 at 10 AM, preceded by a visitation at 9 AM, at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mesa East Stake Center, 2228 E. Brown Road, Mesa, Arizona.

After I had finished the obituary I felt much lighter, but I still had the slide show to do. Carrie gave me a memory card with over 600 pictures and 100 videos of Joshua to make into a video to play at the viewing. I went through each picture and every video to see what I could fit into a reasonably timed slideshow. Deciding what songs to use was stressful to me. Carrie didn't really have any preferences besides the Hand Clap song so I agonized over which songs would be upbeat enough or have the right kind of lyrics. I spent three solid days working on it, getting it finished in the nick of time. I was so glad I could help in these small ways, but spending all that time watching videos of him and looking at his face in those pictures was heart rending. Again, I cried and cried. I felt as though my whole spirit was in mourning that week. 

Karen and Megan set up the tables with pictures and items that Joshua loved. The long string of beads are Beads of Courage that the hospital gave him... each bead representing a treatment or procedure that he underwent. I brought my camera to help take pictures of the evening. 

The mortuary did a really wonderful job with him. His lips looked so much better and he was so handsome in his little suit. Even still, there is nothing that really prepares you for looking at a child in a casket. 

My mom was so thoughtful through all of this. She offered to set up a "nursery" in the family room with toys and activities for the cousins to play with. Her and my dad were there all night watching the kids and holding Tanner for me. I thought it was so sweet of her. 

I was so impressed by Carrie and Brenden through all of this. They are a great couple and were so strong together. 

Trevor and Gretchen were able to fly in from Puerto Rico and it was so nice to have them there. 

Saturday morning we were up early getting everyone ready so we could be at the church before the viewing started. We ran around, setting up tables and the TV's for the slide show. I brought my camera again to help take pictures. In some ways I felt too busy and crazed to "feel". And maybe I was OK with that. People streamed in with grief stricken faces and I could see my week in their eyes. I couldn't even begin to imagine how Carrie and Brenden were doing this. Angels had to be holding them up. Wayne said a very sweet family prayer before we walked into the chapel. My parents, Marcie, Craig and David and Abbey were there. It was so sweet of them all to come. It was a really generous gesture to see them all there, just to be supportive of us. I knew it was a sacrifice on a busy, Saturday morning. 

The service was difficult, of course. Reddin read the life sketch. Sawyer sang a gorgeous musical number. I lead all the cousins in a musical number as well. The bishop and stake president gave really nice talks. It lasted about an hour and a half. 

Afterward, we hurried to the cemetery to help Shelley and Sunni, who had offered to bring dozens and dozens of balloons for a balloon release after the grave dedication. This was a BIG endeavor. Getting that many balloons into cars and organized at tables with the wind blowing and strings getting dangled was crazy town. And they brought markers for everyone to write a message on the balloons before letting them go. Sunni is Shelley's sister in law. She lost a baby to SIDS and someone did this for her at the cemetery so she wanted to pay it forward. Again, this gesture meant the world. Sunni had also bought 10 loaves of bread from me last year when I was doing the fund raiser for Joshua. She is an incredibly sweet girl. I know this was all for Carrie, but I felt so loved as well. I could never thank them enough. They ordered 5 huge green balloons for their immediate family to write on, because green was Joshua's favorite color. They let go of theirs first, then the rest of us released the others. I tell you what, it really was so cool to see them all float away together. Everyone standing together, looking up, enjoying a moment of happiness. These bright, balls of love drifting into the sky, painting a cheerful landscape over an otherwise heartbreaking occasion. 

I don't want to pretend that I understand why such horrible things happen in life. But I can recognize the love and blessings that surround those who suffer. The opportunities it gives us to come together and share in the pain and burdens of such trials. And the chance it provides not only to show love and support, but receive love and support from our family and friends. It was a growing experience. Never one you'd wish for. And certainly not one that is over and done with in a day. But with faith in God, we can hope for more understanding and meaning in time. And know that Joshua's spirit is still alive and most definitely near. 

Rachel

I hear trumpets sounding off!

Rachel Shaw has come to town!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now how lucky am I?! I get a double dose of Rachel in the same year! I guess I have Mr. Tanner to thank this time. She asked if I would rather have her come right after he was born so she could be more helpful with him, or come a couple months later. I chose a couple months later so the kids would be in school and we could have more fun! Never could have guessed that everything with Joshua would happen right before. I told her to still come though since his funeral wouldn't be until the next week. I had been feeling so down and wondered if I'd even be good company. Thankfully, her visit was just the distraction I needed and wonderful therapy.

She flew in on a Thursday morning and got to accompany us to Olive's dance class. Then we dropped Olive off at Shelley's house (and had ourselves a little visit there) before grabbing lunch at Crackers and Company. From there we got our pedi on at Elite Nails. I wish we had a picture of the guy doing mine. He was a younger Asian fellow with sass. After he had massaged my feet he asked me if I felt good. I nodded and said, "Yes, I feel good". He raised his eyebrows and with a seductive look said, "Yeah you do." 

Oh my!

A Swig run was a must!!

Pink toes and pink cookies. This was a good start to her trip!

When Trav got home that night we all went out to Smashburger for dinner then we went and played Bunco with my Relief Society for an activity night. We won a cute bowl and bag of M&M's! A perfect road trip snack!

Being that I still had a newborn and was especially exhausted, we didn't stay up too late. We knew we needed energy in our reservoirs for the next day! VEGAS DAY!!!

I slept it while she exercised. (Bonus points for Rach.) Then we packed and dropped Tanner and Olive off at my Mom's house at noon. We switched cars with Travis, grabbed lunch at Ned's Crazy Sub and were on the road!!! Yes, in Ol' Dirtay. This beloved car has been the setting for many a Steph/Rach conversation as it was our only car in dental school. While I was just hoping it didn't break down on us, it really was appropriate that Ol' Dirtay was along for this trip! 

So raise your hand if you thought Las Vegas was only four hours from Mesa. 

*this is me holding up my hand*

Yeah, it's more like 5. 

5 1/2 or 6 for us once we hit traffic. Oy! Not that it's too big a deal. We just had a grand time talking! Had a bit of a stressful time trying to find our hotel's parking lot though! We stayed at the Linc which is right on the strip but the parking isn't in front, like with most of the hotels. So I have exited one hotel going the wrong way and got someone else super annoyed at me leaving another hotel parking lot. Geez louiz people! Simmer! 

Finally, thanks to a kind customer service lady on the phone, we found it!!! Only it was FLOODED. I guess it had rained right before we got there and the parking garage was literally gushing water. They had it all roped off. Grrrr. So. Did another U turn, flagged down a worker, and found a different lot to park in. Dragged our luggage a rather long distance, got checked in, went up to the like the billionth floor, down three long hallways and there it was! Our hotel room!! 

At least it was a nice hotel room. 

I thought we had left Mesa with time to spare but now we were in a crunch to get ready for the concert! 

We clean up pretty nice, if I do say so myself! 

Watch out Vegas. Two of your most clothed Mamas are hitting the town!

In a panic, we asked for directions in the casino and this dough head lady recommended we get on the subway to get to Planet Hollywood faster. So off we huff to buy tickets, get on the subway, ride it down a stop, get off and get our bearings to walk to Planet Hollywood. I thought it was strange that we still seemed to have to walk pretty far. At this point we knew we didn't have enough time to sit down for dinner so we shared a bagel from Starbucks and got in line for ....

BRITNEY!!!!!

" Baby, baby, how was I supposed to knowwwww, that somethin' wasn't right, yeahhh "

Words can not do justice to how much friggin' FUN this concert was!!!! Oh my gosh. We were dying!!!! Singing along, screaming, dancing. It was like we were 16 year olds ditching homeroom to sneak into a club instead of 34 year old's in mom jeans, wearing mascara for the first time that week. It was basically a dance concert which was a blast to watch. We loved every set, every leather leotard, every throwback picture to her glory days plastered on the big screens! Ok, maybe not the 15 ish minutes in the middle where it got a little... ohhh... S&M?? I guess that's the vibe of her NEW stuff. Ick. We just sat down for those songs and were entertained by the three men in front of us who... shall we just say, play for the other team. ;) I've never seen grown men groove quite like that, haha. Thankfully, she got back to her good stuff and we were back on our feet screaming and dancing again. I was so sad when it was over. I'm going to go on record as saying it was the best concert I've ever been to. Would do it again in a heartbeat. 
"Hit me baby, one more time!!" 

We got some late night grub at Cheesecake Factory then walked the strip for a bit. 

I had heard about this amazing chocolate fountain at the Bellagio that I was dying to see. After LOTS of walking and wrong directions from casino employees that should know better, we found it. And it was closed for the night. Boo.

Also, while we were walking, I spied our hotel. 

Right across the street from The Planet Hollywood. 

Remember when we were told to get on the subway to get to it faster??

Yeah. We could have just walked out the door and across the street instead. 

BAHHHHHH!!!!! 

We couldn't believe it!! We could have had time to actually eat dinner before the concert! Could have saved our poor feet an extra mile of walking!!!

Stupid lady. She could have just told us she didn't know how to get to the Planet Hollywood instead of sending us on a wild goose chase. 

Oh well. We can laugh about it now.

We kept debating on whether or not to try out a dance club. We just weren't how sure how hard it was to get in. Or how expensive it would be. Is it like in the movies where you stand outside in line in front of a bouncer and need to be on a "list"?? Or need to be hot enough to get inside? Hahaha. We really didn't know. But you could hear the music blasting from the club inside the Bellagio, way out on the strip and it sort of hurt my ears even from that distance. So, we saved our hearing and just went back to the hotel. I think we finally got in bed around 3am! 

I pictured sleeping in until some crazy hour. Pretty sure we were both up by 7am. But that was 4 straight hours of sleep for me and I hadn't had that in many weeks so I was refreshed!

The buffet at the Wynn is supposed to be amaze-balls.

The scenery sure is!

I love fancy food!!

Little crepe burritos filled with dainty creams and delicate sauces, exotic juices, smoked Texan macaroni and cheese, spices I've never heard of before, fruit I can't pronounce. I think I tried one of EVERYTHING. Especially the desserts. I had to be rolled out of there.

We thought it would be fun to do a little shoppin'! 

Barneys is totally in our price range so obviously we started there. 

$2,000 hot pink, baby alpaca fur coat anyone?!

The Venetian was nice! We joked about going on a romantic gondola ride together. 

The High Roller was right behind our hotel. Doing it at night would probably have been cooler but it was still amazing to do during the day. It's the world's tallest ferris wheel and I thought I was going to freak out, but props to me, I held it together beautifully. We almost had the whole pod to ourselves. Just two other men were with us. And since they seemed to play for the other team as well, I decided to use our half hour in the air to pump, lol.

We wanted to get home before it was too late so we left Vegas around 3pm. But before we left I was determined to gamble at least once! The thing is, gambling is confusing!!! We sat down at a slot machine and probably spent 5 minutes just looking it over, trying to figure out how to play. What in the world?? So many buttons and flashing lights. I expected a coin slot and one button. We gave up and almost left when we saw a Britney Spears machine open. It was a sign! I beelined it over and saw an employee cleaning up nearby. Double sign! Kind of giggly (I know how it looked) I asked her if she knew how to gamble. She looked at me cautiously, perhaps wondering if this was all being videotaped, and said yes. Sheepishly, I asked her if she could teach me. I'm certain she thought I was either handicapped or high. But,  she showed me where to put my money and which buttons to push. The whole situation was hysterical. And of course I lost. Two whole dollas down the stinky Vegas drain. I have to say, I don't get how people just sit in front of these things, wasting their hard earned money. It was pretty stupid. Not fun. Not entertaining. Not worth it. 

And on that note, I'll add that after 24 hours in this city, sinning never seemed less appealing. Being around the massive crowds of drunk, smoking, barely clothed people I felt nothing but pity and disgust for all of it. It felt empty, sad and cold. 

Las Vegas, your lights may be flashy, but you have no light.  

We will enjoy your yummy buffets and nostalgic, fun concerts but be grateful for our lives far, far away from your nastiness.

One last meal before we hit the road turned out to be exceptionally tasty. Five stars for Gordon Ramsey's fish and chips!

We hit some crazy monsoon storms on the way home but Ol' Dirtay got us back safely! I think our 10 hours of non-stop talking on those drives is illustrative of how much we love talking to each other.

Sunday morning was the Tucson temple dedication. Travis went with Collin to the 9am session and Rach and I went to the 12pm session. I love that Collin was old enough to attend!

Her flight left just late enough to make it to the beginning of my family's Sunday dinner which was nice! All of us were sad to see her go!! Me especially!!! Waaaaaa! Theres something not right about your soul sister living 1,053 miles away (yep, I looked it up). I guess it just makes our time together that much sweeter.