I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

 The Week "Before"
 Countdown

Well, Travis was kind, and let me go to church, while he stayed home with all the sickies. Weston had been in the clear, until Sunday morning when he woke up with a red eye. We weren't sure if it was pink eye, but decided to play it safe and keep him home. So I got to get all dolled up, knowing no children would be smearing me with boogers or the like! Kinda fun, haha! It definitely called for the red shoes. :) And I had time to try a new updo that actually worked out. I don't think I've gone to church alone since the single ward days. One of the assistants at Trav's office is investigating the church and happened to be walking up when I was, so we stuck together.

 On Tuesday, Brinn, Megan and I went to Storytime at the library, only to find out it was canceled. Bug! But Megan was prepared with a magnet board and stories, so she wins best mom points for the day! They played at the playground for a bit after that, then we took our circus to Camille's across the street for some lunch. It went pretty good, until the end. Olive had had enough. That was when Megan suggested going to the doctor in case she had an ear infection. I don't know why that never occurred to me before, so I called as we were leaving and they got us right in. And yup, she had a slight infection in both ears! Poor baby!! Double ear infection, double pink eye, fever and diarrhea. So sad!! 

On Wednesday, I had gotten going early and went in to the office to have my teeth cleaned at 8am. Travis is booked out a solid month and is always busy, so he had me go to the hygienist upstairs. I hadn't had my teeth cleaned by a hygienist, since Kathy, over 6 years ago! It felt amazing. Oh, I love freshly cleaned teeth! Collin was at school, so then Weston, Olive and I went grocery shopping. Then Megan saved me and invited Weston over to play. So I went home, unloaded the groceries and made bread. While that was baking, I mopped the kitchen floor. Then I picked up the kids at preschool and Megan let Collin stay and play! Glorious. So I went home and cleaned all the bathrooms, vacuumed, did dishes, dusted, and got some pictures uploaded to the blog. I don't think I'd been so productive in years. And without knowing it yet, this would become an even bigger blessing come Friday.

How adorable is this picture?!! I thought I had moved the loaves far enough away from her. Nope, determination gets you far. And if you could have seen her reaction when I tried taking her fistful away!! I've never seen her do anything like it! She literally FLUNG her body backward, screaming like her best friend had been ripped from her arms. I gave it back. (You can kind of see her sad, red eyes in this picture too.)

Thursday was weird. I heard a loud noise in the morning and looked out the window to see it Hailing!! Oh HAIL NO!!! I couldn't believe it. It was thick and covered everything. I had been wanting to deliver a loaf of bread to a friend that lives 20 min. away, so I waited until it sort of let up and we headed out. And I seriously think that sums up our Thursday. Oh! We had Lilly and Rubi over in the afternoon since they were going out of town that night. We painted coffee filters to make butterflies out of and I made some yummy homemade pizza. Excited to finally have a recipe I like! On days like this, I'd usually leave the disastrous house for the next day. But oddly enough, I cleaned everything. Did all the dished, picked up the living room and left everything very clean before heading to bed.

Friday morning, Travis took Collin to preschool like he usually does. I forgot he needed a flower to give to Mother Mary at school (I think for Mother's Day), so those coffee filters came in handy!! Then, I made green salsa because I was supposed to go to Collin's preschool and help out while all the teacher's were at a special luncheon. And the green salsa and chips was for the lunch. I also made 4 pans of brownies for this art show thing for the preschool.

As you can see, Weston likes licking the beaters. CUTE boy!! Oh I love these two.

Well, after that, I put Olive down for a nap and told Weston I was heading upstairs to shower. But I had noticed these dang cob webs above the entry way and decided to just finally get rid of them.  I see them every time I go down the stairs and always say I'll get them later. Well, things were going so smoothly, why not stop being lazy and just finally get rid of them?! I grabbed my little Swiffer duster and stood on the last step and reached up. But they were still out of reach. Weird, I thought I'd be able to get them easy. Sooo, keeping my eye on them, I slowly ascended the stairs, backward, keeping my eye on them. Cuz you know how tricky spider webs are... the sun hits them and they disappear! Well, I had finally reached a height that I was sure I could just jump and swipe at them and land on the ground of the entry way. Without another thought, I jumped as high as I could. (See... hindsight is 20/20. I jumped UP, instead of OUT. Smarty pants.) I had kept my eye on those wretched webs the whole time and didn't spot my landing at all. And the most embarrassing part... I hadn't even checked to see how high I had gone on the stairs. But I still fully expected to land on the ground. When my heels barely caught the edge of a step and went right out from under me, I landed with all the momentum of that jump, right on my back. I hit hard and knew instantly I had broken something. Then fell the rest of the way (one stair, two??? I have no idea) to the ground. I was in pain, but more than that I was MAD!!!!! So dang, flippin', flangin' MAD at myself!! I balled up my fists and just pounded on the ground over and over again, yelling "Dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it, DANG IT!!!!" Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I didn't curse. I almost surprise myself sometimes. There were moments when I stopped my pounding to cry and cover my face with my hands, allowing a brief thought of how my life had just changed. What if I broke my back?!! I just screwed up BAD. Everything was going to change. How much will it all change? How long will this injury last? It could affect me for years. HOW COULD I HAVE JUST DONE THIS??!!!! ARGHH!!!! Then back to my pounding and crying. I had never lost consciousness, but I didn't let too much time go by, before I called to Weston. Luckily, I knew where my cell phone was. That's not always the case, but this morning I knew. I told him Mommy's phone was on the ground in her bathroom. Could he be a good boy and go get it? He quickly obeyed and came back to hand it to me. He didn't seem super concerned I was on my back in the entry way, but I told him, "Weston, Mommy just hurt her back. We need to say a prayer." He happily said, OK, then kneeled down, with his chest on top of mine and started praying. I had planned on saying it, but he went right for it without any prompting. It was the sweetest little prayer, but then he closed without a word about me, so I said, "Oh, thank you Weston, but could we ask Heavenly Father to bless Mommy's back?" He didn't miss a beat and bent down again over me to add, "And please bless Mommy's back. Name of Jesus Christ. Amen." I thanked him and he ran back to his show in the living room like all was right in the world. Little did he know. So then it was decision time. Do I call Travis? I didn't want to bother him and knew he'd be in the middle of patients for the morning. So I attempted to roll onto my right side. I was able to, but that was it. I knew I couldn't do any more, let alone get up. I resumed with my "dang its", then text him. "How busy are you right now?" And waited. It was only a few minutes before he text back, "Not slammed, why?" Ugh! That meant he was busy. I waited just slightly longer, finally accepting that I was going to have to call him. So I called. And in the time it took for those few rings to go through, all my resolve took a flying leap out the window. He answered and I was a sobbing, hysterical mess. I just remember him saying, "Stephanie! Stephanie! What's wrong? What happened??!" He basically flew out of there but it felt like forever before I heard the garage door open and he was next to me. I don't think he really knew what to do either, but at one point, he gently felt down my back to see where I hurt myself. When he touched my lower back where I was hurt, I jumped a mile. I couldn't believe the intense rush of pain that came with that light touch. When that registered in my head, I lost it another notch. That was unmistakable evidence that I was really hurt and it freaked me out. I remember sobbing and feeling myself start to give way to a full blown panic attack. I gasped, "I'm freaking out. Trav, I'm freaking out!" He went right to my face and cradled my head and made me look in his eyes while he calmly told me I would be fine. Everything was OK. Breathe deep.  Somewhere in my conscious I realized this was not unlike what happens when I reach a 10 in labor and I lose it. But he's always there. In my face. A look of calm resolve. A steady presence letting me know everything was going to be OK. I let myself believe him. And felt myself slowly come down for the escalating panic that had started to grip my chest. I told him I wanted a blessing, so he started trying to call Michael. Not able to get a hold of him, and knowing he couldn't move me, he called 911. Now panic, let way to full blown embarrassment. How did I let this happen?? This is so humiliating. And then another strange thing happened. My whole body started shaking. Bad. Uncontrollably. I knew it was shock, but thankfully I didn't feel my breathing change, so it was more annoying than anything. The 911 operator just told Travis to put a blanket on me. Then, I heard the sirens and was suddenly surrounded by paramedics. They moved me onto my side and felt down my spine. Surprisingly, no part of my spine hurt. That was a relief. And because of that, the most glorious of blessings... they didn't strap me to the back board. I've had one other experience with back boards and they are HELL. Absolute hell. So with 4 or 5 men around me, they counted down and lifted me onto the bed. Travis had gotten a hold of Micheal at some point and he came in with the rest of the men. I kept thinking I should ask if they could wait while I got a blessing but for some reason, never did. I definitely regret that. Travis stayed back to get the kids taken care of and met me down at the hospital. And even with all the chaos, I was of a sound enough mind to request my phone. Gotta take a picture. :)

Travis met me in the ER, but I told him to go be with Collin for a while. I knew Collin was expecting me and would be disappointed and wondering where I was. While he was gone, a doctor came in to ask me questions and do a physical exam. Then I waited an hour or two before the lab tech guy came in to do the CT scan. Then of course, more waiting. They gave me some pain medicine and a muscle relaxer but it didn't help. They offered an IV, but I declined. Honestly, all I could think of was, this is going to be so expensive! Gosh dang it! I hate hospital bills. I was so glad when they stopped coming after Olive. Hospital bills are the WORST. There's no debating them. You're just screwed. You have to pay everything. And it's as much as an all inclusive resort would cost. When you're in a crappy hospital room in Gallup, NM instead.

 Travis came back. I had text my family to let them know what was happening. Rachel called. My mom called. We waited and waited. At one point the nurse came in to say they were consulting a specialist in Albuquerque. After what felt like forever, the doctor came back in with the diagnosis. She said I had fractured the transverse processes of my L2 and L2 vertebrae. I could feel the tears slide down my face. She continued, "It's a 4-6 week recovery. It's a stable fracture, surrounded by lots of tendons and ligaments, but you won't be able to turn your upper body at all. No lifting over 5lbs. No bending. If you have a really small dog, you could probably hold it. But if you have a big dog, you shouldn't lift it." Stupid animal people!! Seriously, do I look like the kind of person that has a dog?! I wanted to roll my eyes, but managed a slight, depressed laugh and said, "Or my children?" 

"Oh no", she said, "no lifting or holding children. And no putting your baby on your hip." 

Peachy. What the H am I going to do now.

After she left, I let the tears come freely. I had just been told I couldn't participate in my life for a month. How is this happening to me?? 

 I couldn't grocery shop. Couldn't lift my baby out of her crib. Couldn't bend down to wipe up a spill. Couldn't clean. Couldn't vacuum. What's 5lbs exactly anyway?! A tiny, newborn baby weighs more than 5lbs! I couldn't believe it. My whole world had been turned upside down in an instant. 

Travis tried to console me. 

At least I didn't need surgery. His eyes welled up describing how he had been sitting there listening to voices in the hall talk about surgeons and surgery. And praying that it wasn't for me.

And at least it was only 4-6 weeks. Not 3 months, not permanent. 

It was true, and I was grateful. But for some reason, all I could see was the next month. The next 4-6 weeks. Not being able to be me.

Travis laughed, and chided me. "You're too much like your Dad. Your dad burned his foot, was disabled for a month and it nearly killed him." I had to laugh and agree. This might kill me.

Well, after that the nurse came in to check on my pain and since it hadn't gotten better with pills, she offered a shot of morphine. I accepted. Then they monitored me for 15 more minutes and declared me discharged. I thought it was a little strange. Oh you have a broken back, but it was nice seein' ya. Have a good day! So Travis helped me bring my legs over the bed and shakily stand up. I immediately felt dizzy and light headed, but what was there to do, but go? He grabbed my bag and held me up as we shuffled to the door. We got right outside the door when I felt nauseous and started to go for a garbage can in the hall. But not a few steps to it and I knew I was going to pass out. I've never passed out before in my life. It was the strangest feeling. Opening my eyes from darkness and dreams that I knew I had just had, but couldn't recall for all the reason in the world. And realizing voices were talking all around me, trying to lower me into a wheelchair. Travis said I had told him I was going to pass out, and then went limp in his arms. He said he was just standing there, holding me, when someone finally noticed and asked if he needed some help. Fantastic. Why didn't they offer me a wheelchair in the first place?! Why didn't I ask? Oi. So they got me back on the bed and brilliantly suggested the morphine, trauma, and lack of food probably caused me to pass out. But there was nothing to do but wait a bit and try again. I did really want to get home and into my own bed. This time, Travis wheeled me out. He stopped at the check in desk to ask if he needed to do anything else. I felt as awful as I've ever felt and asked him to wheel me next to a garbage can while he talked to the lady. I remember a doctor in scrubs came out a door and stopped to look at me. He seemed concerned and asked me if I was being checked in to the ER. I told him I had just been discharged. His eyes showed slight alarm and he went and got me a barf bag. I barely made it through the ride home. Travis probably drove 5mph and I still felt like I was going to die. I even remember using those exact words later that night. I could've sworn I was dying. The way I felt just seemed about the only way a person who was dying would feel. He nearly carried me into the house and around the corner, onto the spare room bed. There was a babysitter there, and I just imagined what she must have been thinking seeing me. I think it was around 5 or 6pm when I got home and I just have on and off memories of hearing Travis get the boys dinner and bathed and into bed. I don't know if I was dozing on and off or going in and out of consciousness. Probably the former. After the kids were in bed, he ran off to Wal-mart to get the prescriptions filled. He assumed I'd be sleeping in the bed downstairs, but I really wanted to be in my own bed upstairs. So against his wishes, he helped me up and got behind me to hold me up as we tried to get upstairs. We took each stair one at a time and went very slowly. Even then, it literally took everything I had. I was panting and breathing hard and the room had started spinning by the time we got to the top. But I still needed to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and take out my contacts. He lowered me onto the toilet (I know, we're getting graphic here, sorry) and when I stood up, I knew that was it. It was all I had. I told him I was going to pass out again. And I did. He used that as his chance to pick me up and get me onto the bed. I just laid there, feeling like I would never willingly move again. And thankfully I dropped off to sleep with no problems that night. You just never know what a day will bring! :(

(So the transverse processes are the bones that stick out from the vertebrae. And mine were in the lumbar section of spine. Again, no danger to my actual spine though, which was such a blessing.)

Saturday and Sunday passed in a Vicodin/Muscle relaxer stupor. So much for Mother's Day. My Aunt MaryAnn had emailed me this chart though and I thought it was a fun thing to post for Mother's Day. Also, the irony that my own mother was coming to rescue her 30 year old daughter the day after Mother's Day didn't escape me. Once a Mother, always a Mother, huh? I am so incredibly grateful. I don't know what we would have done without her or my sister.

Travis was a very busy man that weekend and Monday, taking care of all of us. He got up and got the kids all ready Monday morning. Dropped Collin off at preschool, then took Weston and Olive to my visiting teacher, Tania's, house. On his lunch break, he picked all three kids up and brought them home. My mom drove into town just minutes after he got here. I think he must have high fived my mom as he rushed out the door to go back to work. I imagined an inaudible but nonetheless, perceptible sigh of relief go through the house when my mom arrived. My sweet friend, Emily, brought dinner that night. The sod we had ordered weeks before, was delivered that day. So the second Travis got home, he was outside, laying it down. Collin was trusty sidekick the entire time. YAY!!! GRASS!!!!

Trav spent the rest of the evening finishing laundry and packing the kids' bags. Tuesday morning, my mom was off to Arizona with our brood! We had her take our car for ease of leaving car seats and having the DVD player handy. The plan was for our families to keep them until Memorial Day weekend, when hopefully I'd be well enough to make the trip down with Travis to pick them up. We had been planning on coming down for the holiday anyway, so his time off work was already scheduled and everything. 

I was definitely more worried for my mom than the kids. :) But with lots of prayers going with them, it sounded like it went OK. Since then, I've gotten occasional pictures and video of my sweet babies! 

They are wonderful and heart wrenching all at the same time. 

That first day that I was home alone was.... weird. Eery, even. The house made all sorts of noises and creaks that I'd never noticed before. Dogs barked constantly. It'd be enough to make me go crazy if I even noticed it on a regular basis. But more than that.. it was just plain, empty. I felt empty. Travis would come home and we'd have nothing to talk about. We'd eat in noticeable silence. The hours just dragged on. By the end of the second day, I didn't know how I was going to make it through another 9. When someone's watching your kids for two weeks, you want to be in Hawaii! Not flat on your back. Or at least working like crazy to be productive and get projects done. I'm not even sure what triggered it, but I think it was Wednesday that I broke down. Sobbing and sobbing. I wanted my life back. I wanted to wake up early to my baby crying. I wanted Travis to shake me in the morning that it was time to exercise. I wanted to feel like the house was a mess and there were a million things to do and not enough hours in the day to do them. I wanted Weston to say, "Mom?" until he had my attention, then tuck his head shyly and finish, "I love you." like he does at least once a day. I wanted Collin to ask me for a snack for the 100th time. It really took less than a day for me to realize how meaningless my life became when my family wasn't a part of it. You're always wishing for more free time. For a break. A vacation. For the whining to stop. The endless chores to finally be done. And then you get it. You get that break. You get your silence. And suddenly life comes into focus and you'd do anything to get all of those things back. It was a lesson that didn't take long for me to learn. Even Travis admitted that work lost its meaning. It didn't feel important anymore. Like, what was the point? I found myself having little pep talks in my head. It's just 2 weeks. Relax. It's not forever. Try to enjoy it. Get some blogging done. :) My friend, Lisa, sent me this quote and it helped me immensely. 

 The ironic thing? I had literally pondered that very thing multiple times in the months prior to this. I had repeatedly thought, "Hmm. Life is good. My life is really good. How am I so lucky? What are my trials right now? Living in Gallup, I guess. But that's actually not that bad... sooo what? What's going to give? How long do I get to live like this?" 

Yeah, JINXED! Don't do this, my friends. :)

But truly, having the gospel is priceless. Knowing there is a reason behind everything. Knowing that every trial has a purpose and isn't random. It is meant for us and is for our everlasting benefit. There is nothing I'd trade that knowledge for. And I recognize that this isn't just my trial. It wasn't easy for my mom to drive over and take my kids for me. It wasn't easy for Shelley to add two crazy boys to her life for a week. This has gone beyond me and I'm eternally grateful for my family stepping in to help. It's about as humbling as it gets.

The other aspect of this is that I've been overwhelmed by, is the amount of people calling, messaging, stopping by and wanting to help me. One of the counselors in the stake presidency that Travis spends a lot of time with, has called Travis EVERY DAY since my accident. Always checking on me, seeing if there is anything he can do. He doesn't even live in Gallup! A woman in my ward that I've never even spoken to before, called me up on Tuesday. She wanted to offer to drive me to Albuquerque or Phoenix even, if I had appointments there!! And she's called me several times since just to check in and see how I am. When Travis went to church last Sunday with the kids, right after sacrament meeting, one lady walked up to him to ask when she could come over to do laundry. Collin's school sent a card that the staff had all signed. Collin only goes to preschool 3x a week, but they told Travis to send him everyday at no extra charge if that would be helpful. We've had meals brought in, cookies and smoothies dropped off and offers to clean our bathrooms. One of my cousins had a baby shower the day after it happened and my mom told me all the aunts and cousins were talking about me and offering to do anything they could to help with my kids. So many have emailed or text me... past neighbors, bosses, friends.... have said they're praying for me. I can't think of another time in my life so many people have prayed for me. It's honestly made me stop and consider the effects of such a thing. I believe that prayers hold real power and can effect real change. To think that it's being done in my behalf is both humbling and overwhelming. There aren't words to express my gratitude. And to know that my kids are being taken care of by family that loves them is the most comforting. I am so so incredibly blessed. I still think of that lyric, "The bad times make the good times better."

 Well, I'll say! And in the meantime, I'm still feeling very loved and carried through this otherwise awful experience.