Gallup

I've been thinking for some time now, that I need to write down my feelings about our upcoming move. It's not something I like talking about. Actually, I'll go one step further, I hate talking about it. Or even thinking about it. Over the past couple of months, I have had lots of people broach the subject and I can feel my stomach twist the moment they do. I'm generally pretty chatty and an open book. If someone wants to know something about me, I'm not one to hold back. But in this regard, I'd rather have a cavity filled than talk about it. (Sorry, Trav. :)

Nevertheless, writing has always been a somewhat therapeutic outlet for me. So I hope this works.

When we first moved to Farmington, I was a tad disappointed. We thought we were going to Albuquerque, and when that didn't work out, I was scared to move to a small town. I've always called myself, "a big city girl". It's not like I grew up in Chicago or NYC, but the more I've seen of the United States, the more I realize that while my home was in a suburb, I did grow up in a big city. Accustomed to all that comes with a population of 500,000+, and surrounded by a couple million more. But regardless of the fact that we were moving to a town of 50,000, we were finishing school and looking forward to our next step in life. An income! A real job! It felt good to be moving forward and making progress in life. Plus we were 6 hours from family now. There was plenty to be excited about.

When we moved to Farmington, our friends from dental school, the Shaheens, had been living here a year and were preparing to move and open a practice in Gallup. Knowing my feelings about this move, Megan assured me repeatedly that I would love Farmington. I remember being almost bugged, because I thought, "You don't really know me that well then." Maybe I would like Farmington, but don't tell me I'm going to love it. I highly doubt it.

I was very cautious about my feelings toward our new home as we started settling in. Besides the Shaheens, we didn't know anyone. And they were gone most of those first couple months, then they moved. It took a while to figure out where everything was. To know all the roads and how to get from point A to point B. Our ward was very nice, but I didn't necessarily feel super welcome either. I basically had an entire summer where I just stayed home with the boys and missed my friends.

I remember our first Sunday afternoon, we took the boys on a walk around the neighborhood and didn't see another soul around the entire time. I wondered if going on a walk was a lost art in New Mexico. We had no connections, no friends, or even acquaintances. No place to stop in for a chat. It was obviously a pretty lonely feeling.

I knew we couldn't just sit around and wait to be "friended", but in some ways, I couldn't muster the energy to start over with the whole social group thing. We had hosted so many parties and get togethers in Buffalo. We had the best time and I loved all of it, but it just made me tired thinking about starting from square one again.

Slowly, however, I started branching out. I heard about a Zumba class and started going. The instructors even expressed surprise that I had come by myself and said most women didn't do that. Well... when you don't have a choice....

We were invited to a few dinners and social gatherings. We both got callings and started to know our ward better. I realized that the town did a really good job at offering activities for young children. The E3 Children's Museum was nothing nice, but it was free and the boys loved it. There was a fun splash pad not far away. On Tuesday mornings you could go to the Riverside Reserve and eat a picnic lunch then go on a nature walk with a guide and feed the ducks. Once Collin started preschool in the fall, we had a gotten ourselves a pretty good schedule in place. On Monday mornings we'd go to "Musical Mondays" at the Farmington Visitor's Bureau where they had a craft, story and songs for an hour. On Tuesday or Thursday we might go to Story Time at the library. Wednesday was 1/2 price at the Bounce House and the boys loved playing for hours there. On Friday they had a "playdate" at the Children's Museum with a craft, story and songs also. There were dozens of parks to visit, including one within walking distance of our house. I guess Farmington has more parks per capita than any other city in the country. There is an Aquatics Center with toddler playtime some mornings. Collin also started swimming lessons there on Tues. and Thursday mornings. And the afternoons were always taken up with Collin's preschool and Weston's nap. I had gotten into my groove and didn't even realize how nice life had become.

Then, in the late fall, Bron started contacting Travis. Their practice in Gallup was doing way better than they had even hoped for and they needed another dentist. It was almost a joke to me, because I knew we would never go. I always said that money wasn't everything and certainly not reason enough to live in a place like Gallup. The moment I realized Travis was seriously considering it, I became unglued. I remember it was later in the evening when I saw on his face that this could be a real possibility. I was about to drive to get frozen yogurt and once I got in the car, I just sobbed all the way to Aspyn Leaf Yogurt. I remember big, warm tears falling in my lap while I finally admitted to myself that I LOVED Farmington. I did. I loved it. I was so happy here. I loved our house and our neighborhood. We lived in the best part of town. A stone's throw from Sam's Club, Target, Wal-Mart and the mall. We had a Hobby Lobby, TJ Maxx, and Costa Vida! They were just putting in a Panda Express. We had found some yummy Mexican food restaurants and other places that had good food. Durango was just 45 min. away. Our church building was around the corner. So was Collin's preschool. My entire life was within just a few miles of my home and I loved it. I hate driving and traffic, so it was completely ideal. I loved my Zumba class. I had just started a book club that was gaining momentum. I loved, loved, LOVED Collin's preschool. It had saved my life. Collin loved it and looked forward to going every day. It was the perfect break in the day and allowed me to get things done without him wasting away in front of the TV. I loved our ward. Travis's office was just minutes away. I was just starting to feel settled. It couldn't be time to leave. It just couldn't.

I think it took me weeks to even stop crying long enough to think about it. I mean, I couldn't even pray about it. I didn't have the courage. I blessed my lucky stars that when Travis prayed about it, he didn't feel it was quite right. At least not yet, he said. I chose to ignore the yet part.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. We had assumed that when we told Bron, "no", he'd find someone else right away. Well, that didn't happen. And his phone calls and texts only abated for a short while. But at the same time, many opportunities were arriving at our door step. I think it was around April that we realized we had 6 potential opportunities to buy into or start working with another practice. One was particularly tempting, because it was a private practice right here in town. And they really wanted Travis there. It could be long term, and it could be great. We started praying. And praying and praying. Slowly, we crossed off the options. It was down to Gallup and the private practice in Farmington. And the more we considered the latter, the more it didn't feel right. But that left Gallup. GALLUP. The armpit of America. I couldn't stomach it.

Of course he could just keep working where he is at. He didn't sign any contracts, make any time commitments or agree to any Non Competes. But he also isn't progressing much by staying. It's a mostly Medicaid office. It's mostly the reservation that fills his slots. Lots of silver caps walking out the door. No investment in the company. It's just a job. It was a starting point. It's not bad money, but it's not great either. They didn't normally offer a buy in opportunity unless you were willing to open a brand new office. But they offered it to Travis, as incentive to get him to stay. But it's a bigger corporation- type company and there is enough we don't like about it to keep us away from making any long term commitments.

So back to Gallup. Mind you, we had gone there a couple of times to "check it out". It's a gorgeous office. I've never been in a nicer dental or medical office. And they are beating patients away with a stick. They do a full range of dental work. Implants, 3rd molars (wisdom teeth), sedation, etc. You couldn't ask for better business partners. We've always loved the Shaheens. But it's in Gallup.

Our deadline was looming, as much as we'd procrastinated a decision. We were laying in bed, in the dark, one night last month, when Travis brought it up again. I was staring up at the black ceiling when a wave of resignation washed over me. Immediately the tears came as I realized that this was our future. I really can't remember the last time I cried that hard. Not just the ugly, hiccuping crying, but full on, this is the worst thing I can remember happening to me, body racking sobs. My face looked like a battered woman when I woke up the next morning. Every time I thought I had it together, I would think about the life I currently had, and all that I was leaving behind, and the hopeless despairing tears would start anew. Perhaps the pregnancy hormones had a hand in it, but it honestly felt like a death sentence.

I'm pretty sure everyone else sees it that way too. It's really fun when people find out we're moving and ask where we're going. Not once... not ONCE! have I responded and not gotten a gasp/grimace/groan/ or comment such as, "Oh dear". Really, every face conveys that look, "Oh crap, I just stepped in poo." I think people would have better reactions if we told them we were going to Afghanistan. It has gotten so old. I can't blame them though. I would probably have done the same. Which is why it's just easier to not talk about it with other people. I shouldn't expect them to try and muster some encouraging words in the face of my trial. It's not really fair to them.

But while Megan moved to Gallup spouting optimism and a positive attitude, I have not found the strength to mask my despair. I usually join in after the grimaces and joke "Yup, pray for us!" :) It's either been that, or I just cry. If I don't joke about it, I cry. And sometimes I joke about it, then cry later. They seem to go hand in hand. But it's always easier if I can hold in the tears until I'm alone.

In all honesty, this might be the scariest thing I've ever had to do. That probably sounds really melodramatic. And again, pregnancy hormones could partially be to blame, but it's just how I feel. I feel scared beyond what I'm capable of handling. How can I live there??!! How can I live in a place that has NOTHING! I mean seriously, it has a Wal-Mart and Home Depot. That's it. Apparently, the Cracker Barrel is the highlight. I'm not even joking. Those that try to cheer me up, mention the great camping, hiking and fishing. Greaaaat. All my favorite hobbies. I don't know the statistics, but it is overwhelmingly populated by Native Americans. And homeless people. And I know that sounded really racist, but unfortunately, we're finding that the majority of stereotypes associated with Indians (can I call them that??) are true. And they aren't positive stereotypes. There is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. It doesn't even feel safe. There are a lot of beggars and sketchy characters on every street and in every park. And speaking of parks, there is only one that even has grass. How can this be worth it??!!

OK, now for the positives. There has to be some positives, right?!

Gallup is two hours closer to Mesa. So it's just a 4 hour drive home. I wonder how many of those drives I'll be taking.

We'll have friends. The Shaheen's are there. And the Kings, another family that is involved with the practice. When passing through once, Megan was having a birthday luncheon for Brynn and I got to meet a lot of the girls that live there. It seems like there is a good core of fun girls that live there.

We found a great house to rent for pretty cheap. It's in the best neighborhood... OK, the only good neighborhood.

There is a book club.

I'm told there's a Zumba class.

It should only be for a year or two. I try to keep perspective in mind with this one. A couple of years, in the long run, is really not a big deal. You can do anything for a couple of years. It's' not forever! My new motto: This too shall pass. :)

There are no tornadoes in Gallup! One of our other options was Tulsa. Comparing the two now, I'm going to take comfort that we're not going there! Gallup might be a crap hole, but at least we won't be in fear of a natural disaster. Pick your poison, I guess.

Our kids are young. It's not like they're going to middle school or high school in Gallup. With luck, Collin might not even remember this time of our lives. :/

Hopefully, this will teach me to be a good, "stay at home mom". Especially with Collin's personality, I feel like we have to get out of the house at least once a day to stay sane. I feel desperate to hold onto all the great activities and places I have to go to with the kids in Farmington. I think my biggest fear is just going crazy always being at home with the kids in Gallup. Having no place to escape to. No place to let the kids get out and play. I've already been trying to devise activities and things for us to do together at home once we move. I'm going to have to work really hard at choosing a good attitude when I am home so much with young children.

So far, I think the most inspiring thing came to me when reading the Conference talks in the Ensign this past week. (Btw, why haven't I made reading these a priority before?! Just reading one a night has been soooo helpful.) It was at the end of Elder Ellis's talk. He said, "For 16 years I served in the presidency of the Houston Texas North Stake. Many moved to our area during those years. We would often receive a phone call announcing someone moving in and asking which was the best ward. Only once in 16 years did I receive a call asking, 'Which ward needs a good family? Where can we help?'"

I stopped. I let it sink in. I read and reread that paragraph many times. I was overwhelmed with the impact of that statement. I would have been the family calling in and asking which was the best ward to move into.

It made me think of our experience in the Buffalo Ward. An inner city ward. A ward that struggled. We were actually warned to not live in the Buffalo ward and to make sure we were in the Amherst Ward. Amherst was considered the only "good" ward in the stake, and it actually wasn't too far from our boundaries. There were wealthier, established families. There wasn't a shortage of leaders or dependable priesthood holders. I know it wasn't perfect, but it was a far cry from the Buffalo Ward. And I'm not saying it would be a bad thing to want to live in the Amherst ward! Many times I wished for that very thing. But could I put a price on our experience in the Buffalo Ward? Never. I loved, loved, loved that ward. I didn't at first. But, the more you serve and the more you get to know the people, the more you love it. I had experiences there that I would have never had in the Amherst ward. I believe we were given callings in that ward that would have never been asked of us in the Amherst ward. And we grew from them. When we left the Buffalo Ward, I was overwhelmed with the love and appreciation that was expressed to us. I felt like we had done something good there. It was an experience I couldn't put a price on. I will always be grateful that I was challenged and stretched there. I learned that I can love people I wouldn't have normally come in contact with before living there.

I was raised in a wonderful ward. I have been blessed with an amazing family. Maybe I need to be less concerned with how I can be served and focus more on how I can do the serving. Maybe Gallup is the place for me to work on that.

And of course I believe that God is aware of us. He has a plan for us. This is where our lives have led us. He had to have had a hand in it. He has his reasons. It's time for some faith.

Last, but not least, all I have to remember is that I will still be with my favorite person in the whole world. With Travis, I can get through anything.

A few month ago, I was talking to my mom on the phone and she was expressing some worries and anxieties she has. I don't think a Mother ever stops worrying about her kids. Even still, it surprised me a little and I told her that I hope she never cries or worries about me. Sure, I have trials and life isn't always pleasant, but I would never want her to shed a tear over me. I'm too lucky! I have it too good. I am too happy! In response, she nearly gushed how good it was to hear that and how grateful she was that I have Travis. Her very next words were, "I know you two could be happy anywhere." I remember her saying that because she didn't know we had Gallup on the back burners. No one did. For her it was probably just an offhanded comment. But it stuck in my head. I knew we were thinking about moving to a less than desirable place, and I wondered if she was right. Could we really be happy anywhere?

Well, I might not ever love living in Gallup, but that's OK. There are worse things in life. And whenever I get scared or nervous, I remember that I will still have the man that I could never live without. We considered having him commute. He even looked into housing in Mesa and thought maybe he could work a 4 day week and just see us on the weekends. No thank you. I will take seeing my husband every day to living in Mesa or Farmington or anywhere that doesn't have him. I feel safe when I'm with him. I only ever want to be near him. I will go anywhere with him. He has my whole heart. I love him more than anything else in this world.

We have found it ironic, that there is a country song on the radio right now, that's pretty popular. It's by Jake Owen and it's titled, "Anywhere with you".  It's basically our theme song right now. :) I tried to get it to play automatically on the blog, but it just won't. So if you want to hear it (you should :) then click on the "play" button at the top, right hand corner of the blog, right under our family picture.

Part of the chorus is:
"Pick a spot on any old map
I travel light and my bags are packed
Just as long as I'm where you're at
I'm gonna have a real good view
I'll go anywhere, anywhere with you."

Of all the spots on the map, I wouldn't have ever picked Gallup, but somehow Gallup picked us! So bloom where you're planted, right? Right. I might need to get that framed. And posted all over my house. :)

So after contemplating my mom's statement, I've decided that the answer is yes. Yes, we can be happy anywhere. With Travis and the church, I can be happy. She is absolutely right.

(But you can still pray for us! :)