#3

I wasn't going to do a post about this pregnancy, but a friend helped me realize that I just might want some sort of official documentation on the blog in the long run. :)

My debate is on whether to be completely candid or not. As my husband will readily, and frequently, attest, "not being wanted" is a chip on a child's shoulder not readily brushed off. Even if he only "jokes" about it. 

I have another friend that has done retrospective blog posts about each of her children's pregnancys/births/coming to their family and it will bring a tear to your eye. She named them "Growing a family". They're darling. 
But I'm afraid I could never pen such moving chronicles.

The problem with me is, getting pregnant completely terrifies me. I don't want to do it. Before I ever became pregnant with Collin, I had knots in my stomach just thinking about it. I didn't feel ready. I was 24. I had a college degree, two years of teaching experience under my belt and a temple marriage to a fabulous man. We had been married for two years. By all {Mormon} accounts I should have been ready. But I wasn't.

I felt abnormal. All of my friends already had kids. All the girls I knew couldn't wait to get pregnant! It was all they had ever dreamed about and wanted. And it's not that I didn't want that, but when push came to shove, I didn't feel ready to start down that road. It's an enormous responsibility. Besides a successful marriage, raising kids is the biggest undertaking of your life. Maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist and I knew that I wouldn't be perfect at it?? Or that I knew I couldn't mess up. I mean, you can mess up here and there, sure. But in the big picture, you can't screw it up! There are people's lives at stake! 

So we decided to pray about it. 

I'm not sure how long we had been praying, but I do specifically remember the Sacrament meeting that we got our answer. 

It was an overwhelming, powerful impression that it was time to start a family. Travis felt it too. I couldn't deny it.

But I did. 

I still resisted. I can remember crying on my knees that it was too scary. I tried to tell Heavenly Father that it wasn't time. I had two more experiences. One when reading the scriptures and another when reading the Ensign. Again, I felt the impression that it was time. I even felt peace. But I fought the peace away and cried again that I wasn't ready. It was after reading the Ensign, however, that I went forward on faith. 

And how grateful I am that I did! I remember thinking later in that pregnancy that I wished I had gotten pregnant sooner!

And I LOVE Collin. Wouldn't trade him for the world. But oh, nothing prepared me for how hard being a mom was! How exhausted, stressed, fat and overwhelmed I felt. The child cried all the time. I had no idea what to do with him. I cringed when people asked to hold him. I knew he would scream. He never napped. He wasn't content. Other babies cooed and babbled on a blanket, spending hours examining a toy. Collin had to be held, entertained and soothed. I remember wondering when I'd ever be able to take a shower and not have to jump out early because his screaming would get so bad. You would think grocery shopping with just one baby is cake. Not with him. Again, memories of being at Wegmans, frantically rushing through my list while he's crying and screaming. Everyone is staring at the baby that is clearly in bad hands. I never made it through a shopping trip without having to take him out of his seat and bounce him or soothe him. I read book after book on what to do to help him. Nothing. Helped.

Add on Weston. Sweet, mild Weston. I still never got any sleep. I nursed all night for 10 months, before we made him cry it out. He had torticollis and had to go to physical therapy appointments downtown. He needed a helmet to reshape his head, which also required weekly appointments. He stopped gaining weight and went in for weekly weight checks. We were referred to an eating clinic. He wouldn't take a bottle. I spent months agonizing over how to get him to gain weight. I felt like it was completely my fault. Once again I was failing as a mother. He only nursed so I started eating like crazy. Full fat everything! No change. We tried different bottles, different nipples, different formula. I went away for a night so he was forced to drink a bottle from Travis. Drink or starve. He starved. I caved and nursed him again. I felt like I would be forever melting down coconut oil and adding it to his foods, coaxing him in vain to take even a few bites. 

And while Collin is funny, spunky, and entertaining, he never really got easier. 

I knew it would be a long time before I was ready for #3. Weston and Collin are 23 months apart. I thought a solid 3 year gap, at the least, between Weston and the next was necessary. I got pregnant the last day of November. They will be 2 years and 7 months apart. Now, I know that's not bad. It's not like it's something crazy like 18 months apart. But the point is, I wanted to plan this next one. I wanted to be in control. Two words that describe my personality... planning and controlling! (I'm not saying they're GOOD qualities, but they do accurately describe me.) I also felt very content with two children. My life is busy. There is always something to clean or do. There is always a long "to do" list. Someone always needs a drink, a diaper changed, a snack, a bath, a nose wiped or a shoe tied. I felt like I needed at least one child to be more independent before adding on another completely dependent one.

Needless to say, I didn't take it very well. Which I know only reflects badly on me. I reminded myself there are girls that would LOVE to be pregnant. I have friends that have gone through pain and heartache and testing and trial after trial, just to add to their family. So added on to my selfish sorrow was guilt. I knew it was nothing to be upset over. So I hated myself for not feeling happy. All I could think of was that babies are HARD. And while I don't throw up, pregnancy is HARD. I truly don't comprehend how girls can be nauseous for 9 months. Straight to heaven for them I tell ya! I just wish I got more of my mom's genes. In ways I love being a Mom, but in other ways I could cry at how hard it is to be a Mom.

Bless Travis's heart, he had a lot to put up with that day and the 3 months following. I kind of tried to pretend it wasn't real. My insurance didn't cover maternity, so I didn't even go through the process of finding and applying to new insurance until I was well past 3 months along. My first doctor's appointment was right after the 4 month mark.

They scheduled my first ultrasound for 20 weeks. It was last Friday. That was another thing I was worried about. I got a lot of, "Bet you're hoping for a girl!" Hmmm. It's true. I have wanted a girl, but I also love having boys. And what if it was another boy? I didn't want to be disappointed in the ultrasound room. So I prepped myself. I thought about it constantly. I went over it again and again in my head. It's a boy. How exciting! 3 boys! They will have so much fun together. I'll be the Mom with 3 boys. That's fairly unique. Lots of baseball and Boy Scouts. Travis does such a good job with telling the boys to treat me special and like a princess. To take care of me watch out for me. Why not have another boy?! 

And it worked. I truly knew that if I was pregnant with a boy I would be completely happy. I even looked forward to it. Only a small part of me still flickered with hope that it could be a girl. I had nearly stamped it all out. 

So, I think in the end I didn't do myself much of a favor! The technician made us wait almost the entire hour before she told us what it was. When she was looking at the legs I swear I almost had an anxiety attack. I could feel my body get warm and almost dizzy. Just tell us already!!

Finally, she turned the screen and had it typed out.... It's a girl!!!!

I seriously couldn't believe it. I don't think I even believe it now. I looked over at Travis's face and he was just beaming. I almost thought his eyes looked teary. That alone made me happy, but I couldn't figure out how I felt for myself! It was like I was confused. I knew I wanted a girl, but I had suppressed it for so long that I almost had to wonder... did I want a girl? 

Here comes another bunch of unknowns! And the technician made a bunch of comments about her seeming personality being drama already and full of energy. Uhhhh, thanks, but lets keep that to yourself, huh! If this female has any of the spunk that Collin has, I'm in real trouble! Take it easy on me please!

I am excited to do her hair. Biggest pet peeve is to see little girl's hair all ratty and in their faces. Playing Barbies will be fun! Cute summer dresses with matching bows. Princess movies and painting nails. Yes... I think I'm excited for this. :)

 

I've decided that for me, having kids is like getting on a roller coaster. I have NO desire to get on that ride in the first place. WAY too scary. Lots of hills and stomach drops and screaming. But when it's over, I'm so glad I did it! (As long as it's not those free fall drops. Those are not worth it. Uh uh.) Getting pregnant is, for me, one of the scariest things in the world. For some reason, I just don't want to do it. 3 times over, I haven't wanted to do it. And it IS hard and scary. But there also hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't been SO grateful that I did it. They are worth it in every way possible. I love them more than life itself and I'm excited to grow our family. So I really hope that sweet baby girl, OR my boys, don't take offense to this. I wish I could say I was full of confidence in myself and my mothering abilities and loved getting pregnant. It's just not the truth. I can say that I don't regret it. I can say that I would never change what I have or what I've gone through. I can say that I love my life and my children and the journey we've been on so far. My own family growing up was crazy and hectic, but I love all 6 of my siblings and wouldn't have it any other way.

It also doesn't hurt that I have the love of my life holding my hand and screaming with me on every ride. He is by far the most amazing husband and father. I got lucky to have a husband that anxiously awaits each new baby. 

We are half way there. 6 more months and we get to meet sweet #3!